Entry Twelve: Vampire Hookers (1978)

Vampire Hookers (1978)

Dir: Cirio H. Santiago

"Warm blood isn't all they suck!"

First of all, I have to admit to having a soft spot for this shitty movie, but only because I saw it for the first time at an Atomic Shock midnight screening hosted by LEGENDARY Minneapolis horror host Rock N' Roll Ray.  Ray always put on a GREAT show; it's a good memory, and I miss those days.  But enough waxing nostalgic; on with the (shit) show!

The movie begins with a very old, bored and drunk-looking John Carradine quoting Shakespeare's "The Tempest.  We are then introduced to studly Tom and goofball sidekick Terry (the late Trey Wilson, of Raising Arizona and...um...Twins), two American sailors on leave in the Philippines.  Out cruising for strange, these lusty seamen run afoul of our titular trio of voluptuous vamps and their undead master, Richmond Reed (Carradine), as well as his wannabe vampire/confirmed special-needs person assistant, Pavo (Vic Diaz).  These lascivious "ladies of the night" usually ply their trade in order to bring fresh blood back to Reed, but this time fall prey to Tom and his incredible deep-dicking skills long enough for Terry and badass (and fantastically mustached) cabby Julio to save the day...OR DO THEY?!

I can't deny that this movie is a piece of shit; the dialogue consists mostly of "hilarious" double-entendres ("The music in here is blowing my eardrums!" "It's not my eardrums I want blown!"; "Coffins are for being laid to rest, not for being laid."), Pavo not being able to sleep because he keeps farting in his coffin is exemplary of its sense of humor, the performances (except for Wilson, who seems to be having a blast) are anemic and the nudity is too brief and infrequent for the bishop-bopping crowd.  On the plus side, it's silly and inoffensive, Karen Stride is a fetching (but wooden) lead vampiress and, at 79 minutes, it goes by quickly.

Before I go, you need to know that the FUCKING BEST part of this film is its TASTY pseudo-rockabilly end theme song!!!  Yes, I've got a CD copy and it makes the regular rotation here in the basement!  Check out part of it below (I can't find a link to a decent complete version):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0mcAL8oBk8