The Mutilator (AKA Fall Break-1984)
Dir: Buddy Cooper & John Douglass
"By pick, by axe, by sword, bye bye."
I'm taking a break from porn for one or two entries. Even I, your ever-sleazy host, can only watch so many hairy, questionably "attractive" bodies schtupping sweatily without a palette cleanser. But fear not, perverts (and I use that term with great affection); I'll get to at least one more hardcore adult flick before the month is out. Tonight, I'm going with something much more highbrow: yet another '80's slasher flick! So have some premarital sex, wander off into the woods alone and join me in the Basement of Sleaze for The Mutilator!
In a nifty, Halloween-copy prologue, young Ed accidentally kills his mother with a rifle he is trying to clean for his hunter father's birthday. His father, Big Ed (Jack Chatham, not to be confused with Everett McGill's Twin Peaks character of the same name), covers up the crime, making it look as if the mother accidentally shot herself. Years later, Ed has grown into college-aged Matt Mitler (Breeders, Deadtime Stories). Tasked with winterizing the family cabin by his now-alcoholic father, Ed heads up north with his excruciatingly douchy friends Ralph (Bill Hitchcock)and Mike (Morey Lampley, who looks A LOT like Flash Gordon's Sam Jones), his girlfriend Pam (Ruth Martinez), Ralph's special lady Sue (Connie Rogers) and Mike's squeeze Linda (Frances Raines, Bad Girls Dormitory, Breeders). The gang cruises some rural highways to the strains of the film's woefully-inappropriate '50's doo-wop-sounding theme song! Anywho, our collegiate, sweaters-tied-around-their-necks arrive to discover the cabin strangely unlocked and littered with empty booze bottles. When they discover a FRAMED FUCKING PHOTO of the corpse of a guy Big Ed ran over with his boat sitting on the mantle, Ed explains it away sheepishly ("It was an accident!")...Since they don't immediately leave upon discovering this, these preppy asshats deserve everything that's coming to them. Unbeknownst to this flock of youthful yupsters, Big Ed is sleeping in a drunken stupor in the attached garage, clutching his prized battle axe (!?) and having fever dreams about violently murdering his son! When Mike and Linda sneak off to go swimming and fuck, Big Ed drowns Linda and dices Mike with an outboard motor. When a helpful cop (Ben Moore of Two Thousand Maniacs) shows up, Big Ed decapitates him with the battle axe in an unbelievably gory standout sequence. While Big Ed hangs the corpses of his victims on hooks, Texas Chain Saw Massacre-style, we're treated to some pretty interminable scenes of the surviving kids playing Monopoly and blind man's bluff and wondering where Mike and Linda have disappeared to. Shit gets back on track, however, when thoroughly obnoxious Ralph discovers Big Ed's abattoir and gets a pitchfork through the neck! In the film's most unpleasant scene, Sue gets a giant hook through the crotch and out the stomach, leaving (of course virginal) Ed and Pam to fight off Big Ed...This all leads to a gloriously over-the-top finale, which I won't spoil here...
Y'know, when I have one drink too many, I tend to start talking like Nick Nolte or maybe try to piss on my friends' garage...Big Ed takes things to an ENTIRELY different level! The Mutilator was one of those VHS tapes whose cover art haunted me as a child and, much to my satisfaction, the film itself pretty much lives up to that lurid illustration of young people screaming while trussed up in front of a hook-wielding maniac. That's due in large part to the effective makeup effects by Mark Shostrom (Evil Dead II, From Beyond) and Anthony Showe (Sorceress, Chopping Mall). Directors Cooper and Douglass lack the chops to conjure up any real tension or suspense, but they make up for it by lingering lovingly on the gory visuals. A regional North Carolina production, the film had a limited release in theaters, but was widely-seen on video due to the then-booming VHS market. With it's extreme gore and themes of matricide and filicide, The Mutilator joins Joe Zito's The Prowler in ranking amongst the most sadistic and unpleasant of the slasher cycle. Gorehounds, don't miss this one!
Oh, and hey, I bet one or two of those victims might've survived if they'd been packing an OFFICIAL Basement of Sleaze travel tumbler! Not only are they made of high-quality materials (no cheap paper inserts here!), they're also dense enough to buy you a few moments if you throw them at an advancing maniac's head! They're available here:
http://www.redbubble.com/people/michaeljharmon/works/20837346-basement-of-sleaze-products?grid_pos=1&p=travel-mug
Enter...If you dare!
Big thanks to "Diamond" Dave Wheeler for the bitchin' logo!
Sunday, February 21, 2016
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Entry 102: Prisoner of Paradise (1980)
Prisoner of Paradise (1980)
Dir: Bob Chinn & Gail Palmer
"Kidnapped for bizarre sex rites...On a sun-drenched island of SIN!"
It's Valentine's Day, folks! Grab your sweetheart, a box of chocolates and a pack of your favorite condoms as we head down into the Basement for the 1980 Nazi-themed porno flick Prisoner of Paradise!
An American G.I. (the legendary John Holmes, Zodiac Killer, Johnny Wadd, whose awesome mustache and white jheri curl are, I'm pretty sure, non-regulation) washes up onto a South Pacific island. He immediately has some PTSD-flashbacks to submarines firing torpedoes, then dreams of fucking his Phillippino girlfriend (Mai Lin, Skintight, Undulations). Who, we learn, was killed in a Japanese bombing. John showers in a waterfall while the camera lovingly lingers on his legendary wang, then fashions himself some shoes, goes spear-fishing and eats coconuts during a montage sequence set to some bitchin' California singer-songwriter-style soft rock. Our hung hero soon discovers that this island paradise isn't what it seems; it's actually a joint Nazi-Japanese POW camp! Being an "adults-only" movie, the camp is, of course, run by two sexy, busty SS gals and a fat, slovenly-looking SS officer and is holding two American nurses hostage. Captured while trying to rescue the nurses, John is forced to do the hunka-chunka with Ilsa (porn legend Seka-"Don't you come in me, you American swine!") while Greta (Sue Carol, The Goodbye Girls) masturbates with a Luger handle and the lascivious male officer watches. This scene is set to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries," BTW...a nod to the previous year's Apocalypse Now? The Ratzi bastards then force nurse Carol (Nikki Anderson) to blow John at gunpoint, then Ilsa and Greta have their way with her before John finishes things off doggystyle over the officer's desk ("Hey, American frankfurter; turn her over and put ze cum on her face!"). John then makes the beast with two backs with Japanese prison guard Jade Wong (Oriental Madam, Oriental Hawaii; whose wig falls off during the scene) because she reminds him of his dead ex. When Jade is killed by the Nazis, John goes berserk, sets the whole camp on fire and escapes with the nurses.
To be honest, this is a pretty boring flick; filled with ugly and unenthusiastic fuck scenes, it's really only of interest to porn historians, Holmes diehards and Nazisploitation completists. The goofy Nazi characters are pretty inoffensive/non-threatening; this is more Hogan's Heroes than Ilsa. The sets and music are pretty goddamn great, though!
Well, there you have it! It isn't lost on me that this flick (very nearly) shares a title with a Europe song, so I'm gonna let you ride out on this one and dedicate it to my friend Jeremy...I hope you got some tonight.
Dir: Bob Chinn & Gail Palmer
"Kidnapped for bizarre sex rites...On a sun-drenched island of SIN!"
It's Valentine's Day, folks! Grab your sweetheart, a box of chocolates and a pack of your favorite condoms as we head down into the Basement for the 1980 Nazi-themed porno flick Prisoner of Paradise!
An American G.I. (the legendary John Holmes, Zodiac Killer, Johnny Wadd, whose awesome mustache and white jheri curl are, I'm pretty sure, non-regulation) washes up onto a South Pacific island. He immediately has some PTSD-flashbacks to submarines firing torpedoes, then dreams of fucking his Phillippino girlfriend (Mai Lin, Skintight, Undulations). Who, we learn, was killed in a Japanese bombing. John showers in a waterfall while the camera lovingly lingers on his legendary wang, then fashions himself some shoes, goes spear-fishing and eats coconuts during a montage sequence set to some bitchin' California singer-songwriter-style soft rock. Our hung hero soon discovers that this island paradise isn't what it seems; it's actually a joint Nazi-Japanese POW camp! Being an "adults-only" movie, the camp is, of course, run by two sexy, busty SS gals and a fat, slovenly-looking SS officer and is holding two American nurses hostage. Captured while trying to rescue the nurses, John is forced to do the hunka-chunka with Ilsa (porn legend Seka-"Don't you come in me, you American swine!") while Greta (Sue Carol, The Goodbye Girls) masturbates with a Luger handle and the lascivious male officer watches. This scene is set to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries," BTW...a nod to the previous year's Apocalypse Now? The Ratzi bastards then force nurse Carol (Nikki Anderson) to blow John at gunpoint, then Ilsa and Greta have their way with her before John finishes things off doggystyle over the officer's desk ("Hey, American frankfurter; turn her over and put ze cum on her face!"). John then makes the beast with two backs with Japanese prison guard Jade Wong (Oriental Madam, Oriental Hawaii; whose wig falls off during the scene) because she reminds him of his dead ex. When Jade is killed by the Nazis, John goes berserk, sets the whole camp on fire and escapes with the nurses.
To be honest, this is a pretty boring flick; filled with ugly and unenthusiastic fuck scenes, it's really only of interest to porn historians, Holmes diehards and Nazisploitation completists. The goofy Nazi characters are pretty inoffensive/non-threatening; this is more Hogan's Heroes than Ilsa. The sets and music are pretty goddamn great, though!
Well, there you have it! It isn't lost on me that this flick (very nearly) shares a title with a Europe song, so I'm gonna let you ride out on this one and dedicate it to my friend Jeremy...I hope you got some tonight.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Entry 101: Wonder Witch (19??)
Wonder Witch (19??)
It's Saturday morning...Basement of Sleaze style! Grab a big ol' bowl of cereal, a bottle of your favorite lube and head down to the basement for the carnal cartoon Wonder Witch!
*For those interested, I have been unable to uncover any production info for this 'toon. It doesn't appear to have entries on either the IMDB or the AFD, but I'm pretty goddamn sure it's European, and I'm also PRETTY sure Wonder Witch isn't it's original/real title. Anyway, it's available on the cleverly-named "X-Rated Cartoons" DVD from VCX...
Jesus Christ, this one doesn't pull any fucking punches or make any effort to ease the viewer into what they're about to witness. It begins with "Handle (I see what you did there)" plowing Gretel up against a tree in the middle of the forest. A narrator informs us that their "abundant love...filled the entire forest," and that "everything they did, the animals would do." Cut to a genuinely baffling shot of a sparrow fucking an owl (your guess is as good as mine). Handle HILARIOUSLY shoots an enormous, lovingly animated load into a gopher's hole, and the little guy emerges in mock-comic anger (this should give you a hint of the general level of humor on display here). In a scene that'll make you doubt your sanity AND make you uncomfortably aroused, Handle and Gretel come upon (Eeeughh!) a witch in the forest who lives in a cottage with a pair of tits sculpted onto the stucco walls and a giant dick for a chimney. Oh, yeah; she uses her own breast milk to water the hedges (I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can't make this shit up, folks! She also has a fence made of ejaculating penises that she sits upon to get herself off. Fully understandably, this attracts and interests our ardor-filled young lovers, and they approach the cottage. I should also point out that at this precise moment, and for no good fucking reason, the film cuts to two trees in the forest that inexplicably grow human faces and male and female genitalia and begin schtupping each other. Once the witch invites our two coital cartoons into her home, she immediately begins mocking Handle's junk ("I have better tools in my garden!"-Jesus; maybe it's cold out, lady!) and uses a spell to imprison him. I've told you about some crazy fucking shit in this cartoon already, but the show tops itself again when, with Handle imprisoned, the witch forces Gretel to man her garden pump-fountain, which, naturally, is in the shape of an enormous phallus on a pedestal ringed with vaginal openings. When Gretel pumps the handle, a hand-shaped lever jerks off the shaft and forces ejaculate out like water, while the enchanted thing (which can speak despite having no mouth) rhymes "Into the forest my streams do flow, the pleasure is mine, so here I go (as an aside, my friend Jeremy NEEDS one of those for his backyard!)!" The witch then, ahem, uses a corncob to masturbate Gretel to a squirting orgasm, so that her "juices" might water the garden (I genuinely can't believe I just wrote that-I feel like I was so naive just a few moments ago!). While Gretel and the witch fuck the fence-dicks in tandem, a helpful crow hatches a plan to help Handle escape and destroy the witch ("Her horniness will be her downfall!"). Through some unexplained, mad alchemy, the crow convinces two pigs to concoct a "super duper potion" that causes wimpy Handle to grow into a Schwarzeneggerian monster and (in a scene that predicts the bizarre blaxploitation flick Soul Vengeance) makes his dick grow to the size of a playground tube slide. Handle uses his newly-minted Supermember to vault into the witch's cottage, then rapes her (I guess the filmmakers justified it because she's evil?), his enormous wang going into her vagina and out her mouth (oh, cartoons!). Weakened by Handle's manly loving, the witch is forced into an oven by the woodland creatures and we end with Handle, Gretel and ALL of the woodland creatures taking a group vacation to pound town in triumph.
Jesus. Goddamn. Christ. This cartoon is NUTS! It's barely over seven minutes long, but it's so chock-full of ridiculous, sanity-defying moments that I'm devoting more space to it than I have for several features. It certainly takes a dim view of women (the witch is evil; Gretel is an easily-manipulated cypher...not to mention the fact that the big plan to defeat the villain is to have the hero RAPE her into a state of bewilderment so that she can be easily lured into an oven), but it's SO bizarre, ridiculous and of-its-time-and-place (Europe in, I presume, the late '60s or early 70s) that it's hard to get offended. Speaking of which, why, exactly, is the witch so hated by the woodland creatures? Aside from imprisoning Handle, it seems to me that the only thing she does is use her dick-fountain to pump life-giving semen-water into the forest...We can all get behind that, right? The jerky animation is crude as fuck and makes even the lamest Hannah-Barbara productions look like multi-million dollar Disney epics, but that just adds to the sleazy charm. I think most of you who've stuck with reading this blog this long are pretty open-minded, so I'm gonna go ahead and say yeah, you should see this. It'll blow your fucking mind.
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that, thanks to the good folks at Redbubble, I now have Basement of Sleaze merchandise available here. You can pick up a t-shirt for yourself, a coffee mug for your husband/wife and maybe a pillow or two for the kids' rooms!
I'm off for now, but I'll be back either tomorrow or Saturday with another adults-only animation (because these are just too much goddamn fun!).
It's Saturday morning...Basement of Sleaze style! Grab a big ol' bowl of cereal, a bottle of your favorite lube and head down to the basement for the carnal cartoon Wonder Witch!
*For those interested, I have been unable to uncover any production info for this 'toon. It doesn't appear to have entries on either the IMDB or the AFD, but I'm pretty goddamn sure it's European, and I'm also PRETTY sure Wonder Witch isn't it's original/real title. Anyway, it's available on the cleverly-named "X-Rated Cartoons" DVD from VCX...
Jesus Christ, this one doesn't pull any fucking punches or make any effort to ease the viewer into what they're about to witness. It begins with "Handle (I see what you did there)" plowing Gretel up against a tree in the middle of the forest. A narrator informs us that their "abundant love...filled the entire forest," and that "everything they did, the animals would do." Cut to a genuinely baffling shot of a sparrow fucking an owl (your guess is as good as mine). Handle HILARIOUSLY shoots an enormous, lovingly animated load into a gopher's hole, and the little guy emerges in mock-comic anger (this should give you a hint of the general level of humor on display here). In a scene that'll make you doubt your sanity AND make you uncomfortably aroused, Handle and Gretel come upon (Eeeughh!) a witch in the forest who lives in a cottage with a pair of tits sculpted onto the stucco walls and a giant dick for a chimney. Oh, yeah; she uses her own breast milk to water the hedges (I've said it before and I'll say it again: I can't make this shit up, folks! She also has a fence made of ejaculating penises that she sits upon to get herself off. Fully understandably, this attracts and interests our ardor-filled young lovers, and they approach the cottage. I should also point out that at this precise moment, and for no good fucking reason, the film cuts to two trees in the forest that inexplicably grow human faces and male and female genitalia and begin schtupping each other. Once the witch invites our two coital cartoons into her home, she immediately begins mocking Handle's junk ("I have better tools in my garden!"-Jesus; maybe it's cold out, lady!) and uses a spell to imprison him. I've told you about some crazy fucking shit in this cartoon already, but the show tops itself again when, with Handle imprisoned, the witch forces Gretel to man her garden pump-fountain, which, naturally, is in the shape of an enormous phallus on a pedestal ringed with vaginal openings. When Gretel pumps the handle, a hand-shaped lever jerks off the shaft and forces ejaculate out like water, while the enchanted thing (which can speak despite having no mouth) rhymes "Into the forest my streams do flow, the pleasure is mine, so here I go (as an aside, my friend Jeremy NEEDS one of those for his backyard!)!" The witch then, ahem, uses a corncob to masturbate Gretel to a squirting orgasm, so that her "juices" might water the garden (I genuinely can't believe I just wrote that-I feel like I was so naive just a few moments ago!). While Gretel and the witch fuck the fence-dicks in tandem, a helpful crow hatches a plan to help Handle escape and destroy the witch ("Her horniness will be her downfall!"). Through some unexplained, mad alchemy, the crow convinces two pigs to concoct a "super duper potion" that causes wimpy Handle to grow into a Schwarzeneggerian monster and (in a scene that predicts the bizarre blaxploitation flick Soul Vengeance) makes his dick grow to the size of a playground tube slide. Handle uses his newly-minted Supermember to vault into the witch's cottage, then rapes her (I guess the filmmakers justified it because she's evil?), his enormous wang going into her vagina and out her mouth (oh, cartoons!). Weakened by Handle's manly loving, the witch is forced into an oven by the woodland creatures and we end with Handle, Gretel and ALL of the woodland creatures taking a group vacation to pound town in triumph.
Jesus. Goddamn. Christ. This cartoon is NUTS! It's barely over seven minutes long, but it's so chock-full of ridiculous, sanity-defying moments that I'm devoting more space to it than I have for several features. It certainly takes a dim view of women (the witch is evil; Gretel is an easily-manipulated cypher...not to mention the fact that the big plan to defeat the villain is to have the hero RAPE her into a state of bewilderment so that she can be easily lured into an oven), but it's SO bizarre, ridiculous and of-its-time-and-place (Europe in, I presume, the late '60s or early 70s) that it's hard to get offended. Speaking of which, why, exactly, is the witch so hated by the woodland creatures? Aside from imprisoning Handle, it seems to me that the only thing she does is use her dick-fountain to pump life-giving semen-water into the forest...We can all get behind that, right? The jerky animation is crude as fuck and makes even the lamest Hannah-Barbara productions look like multi-million dollar Disney epics, but that just adds to the sleazy charm. I think most of you who've stuck with reading this blog this long are pretty open-minded, so I'm gonna go ahead and say yeah, you should see this. It'll blow your fucking mind.
I'd like to take this opportunity to remind you that, thanks to the good folks at Redbubble, I now have Basement of Sleaze merchandise available here. You can pick up a t-shirt for yourself, a coffee mug for your husband/wife and maybe a pillow or two for the kids' rooms!
I'm off for now, but I'll be back either tomorrow or Saturday with another adults-only animation (because these are just too much goddamn fun!).
Saturday, February 6, 2016
Entry 100: Perverted Stories #32 (2001)
Perverted Stories #32
Dir: Jim Powers
Well, this is it...100 goddamn, sanity-doubting entries in the Basement of Sleaze! Y'know, when I started doing this, I doubted I'd make it to entry 20 before losing interest...Turns out I look forward to writing these fucking things now more than ever. Guys, I LOVE movies (especially the off-kilter, unusual, unheralded ones), and this whole exercise is about sharing that love with you. I've never had a bad experience in the Basement; even the "bad" movies are enhanced because it's so much fun to write about them! I've come close to throwing in the towel a couple of times; time constraints and low readership have frustrated me, but you know what? Fuck it! Even if the only person left reading this is Mrs. Basement of Sleaze, if she gets a chuckle out of it and maybe decides to seek out a movie she wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, it's all worthwhile. This has also been a great way to work through my film collection; nearly everything I've written about here has been viewed on VHS, DVD or Blu-ray. In the age of streaming this and on-demand that, I still enjoy the process of walking over to my shelves, selecting a feature, looking over the packaging artwork and popping it into the appropriate player. Physical media will never die! I'm not gonna keep rambling here; just wanted to say "thank you" to everybody who's still reading this thing. Alright, let's cut the sappy horseshit!
I have a BIG announcement to make here: as this is my 100th entry, I've decided (because nothing's sleazier than hubris) to make Basement of Sleaze products available to you, dear reader. Check 'em out at:
http://www.redbubble.com/shop/basement+of+sleaze
Now, before you go thinking this is some sort of scheme to line my coffers with phat t-shirt cash, you should know that I think I make about $2 for every shirt sold and, honestly, I don't have that many readers. But if you decide to pick one up and I see you wearing it out and about, I'll buy you a drink (and you'd better believe it's gonna be a goddamn stiff one)!
Okay, on to tonight's feature! As you might be aware, we are now in the midst of Fuck Flick February, where I usually take the opportunity to examine gems from the golden age of adult cinema. I will not, for the most part, take a look at any contemporary porno flicks. See, in the seventies and early eighties, porn was still being made by folks who considered themselves filmmakers. While not always successful, they were at least trying to make legitimate films with story, dialogue, sets, music and all of the other necessary ingredients of film. They weren't always "good," but they were oftentimes interesting (this notion was successfully lampooned in P.T. Anderson's fantastic Boogie Nights). Contemporary porn, by contrast, is pretty goddamn boring, usually comprised of a bunch overlong fuck scenes strung together with the barest thread of plot (sometimes not even that). Okay, I'll give you that some of the movie parodies are amusing, but for the most part, it sucks. I have, however, decided to break that rule in order to bring you the first entry in this year's FFF. You see, I've been saving this one for awhile...Journey with now into the Basment of Sleaze as I bear witness to some Perverted Stories...#32!
Why, you may ask, am I covering entry 32 in a (apparently very lengthy) series? What about #s 1-31? Won't I be lost? Well, Perverted Stories is a series of unconnected anthology porno shorts with fantastical/supernatural twists; think Spielberg's Amazing Stories television series with WAY more anal sex. I'll be honest with you, I'm not even really interested in writing about this whole movie, it's just the first segment, "Along Came the Spider," that I feel I need to share with you. But be warned; there are some things that, once seen (or read about), cannot be unseen (or read about).
A musclebound worker in a douchey, Affliction-type T-shirt is moving some boxes around in a dust old warehouse. He is observed from the shadows by a shadowy, inhuman figure (the creature's POV is represented by some 80s home video level split screen and toning effects; imagine Predator remade by public high school kids). When he freaks out after running across a black widow spider, the creature leaps from the shadows: it's a goddamn mutant spider woman! The veiny, slimy creature with enormous pink lips kind of resembles Janis from The Muppet Show if she were put though one of Seth Brundle's telepods with an arachnid. Anyway, because this is an "adult film," the she-creature immediately unzips the poor guy's pants and starts blowing him; he reciprocates by taking her amazing spider-anus to pound town and, after several sanity-doubting, seemingly endless minutes, he comes and she kills and webs him (he paid no attention to the red hourglass tattoo on her stomach).
Look, I've seen my share of shit. I've seen Cannibal Holocaust. I've seen Salo. I've seen Men Behind the Sun. I've seen A Serbian Film. I don't know if anything has ever repulsed/fascinated me quite the way this 12-minute sequence from a shitty, early 2000s porno movie has. What the actual fuck?!?! Even ignoring the obvious question of how, exactly, this mutant spider has perfect human female breasts and genitalia, one still has to wrap one's brain around the idea that a man, when assaulted by an absolutely disgusting spider-creature, decides that the best course of action is to perform cunnilingus on it before engaging in vigorous vaginal and anal sex. Maybe it's just me, but fuck; I'm having a REALLY difficult time connecting that thought process. I DO need to commend the film's effects artist; the makeup effects are genuinely good and supremely creepy-the spider woman's veiny, pulsating head and vacuum-like, dripping pink maw will stick with you for days. In fact, here's a photo:
For the record, the other three "stories" in this movie consist of a woman fucking voodoo zombies in the desert, a dismayed man who, upon discovering that his Vietnamese mail order bride doesn't speak English, decides to be classy as fuck and have sex with her before sending her back AND a guy who screws a corpse he finds floating in his pool (which is notable because the actress in the scene does a horrible job of playing dead).
On that note, pleasant dreams, everybody! I'll be back soon with some X-rated cartoons! Oh yeah; for the curious, here's a link to the entire goddamn "Along Came the Spider" scene:
Dir: Jim Powers
Well, this is it...100 goddamn, sanity-doubting entries in the Basement of Sleaze! Y'know, when I started doing this, I doubted I'd make it to entry 20 before losing interest...Turns out I look forward to writing these fucking things now more than ever. Guys, I LOVE movies (especially the off-kilter, unusual, unheralded ones), and this whole exercise is about sharing that love with you. I've never had a bad experience in the Basement; even the "bad" movies are enhanced because it's so much fun to write about them! I've come close to throwing in the towel a couple of times; time constraints and low readership have frustrated me, but you know what? Fuck it! Even if the only person left reading this is Mrs. Basement of Sleaze, if she gets a chuckle out of it and maybe decides to seek out a movie she wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, it's all worthwhile. This has also been a great way to work through my film collection; nearly everything I've written about here has been viewed on VHS, DVD or Blu-ray. In the age of streaming this and on-demand that, I still enjoy the process of walking over to my shelves, selecting a feature, looking over the packaging artwork and popping it into the appropriate player. Physical media will never die! I'm not gonna keep rambling here; just wanted to say "thank you" to everybody who's still reading this thing. Alright, let's cut the sappy horseshit!
I have a BIG announcement to make here: as this is my 100th entry, I've decided (because nothing's sleazier than hubris) to make Basement of Sleaze products available to you, dear reader. Check 'em out at:
http://www.redbubble.com/shop/basement+of+sleaze
Now, before you go thinking this is some sort of scheme to line my coffers with phat t-shirt cash, you should know that I think I make about $2 for every shirt sold and, honestly, I don't have that many readers. But if you decide to pick one up and I see you wearing it out and about, I'll buy you a drink (and you'd better believe it's gonna be a goddamn stiff one)!
Okay, on to tonight's feature! As you might be aware, we are now in the midst of Fuck Flick February, where I usually take the opportunity to examine gems from the golden age of adult cinema. I will not, for the most part, take a look at any contemporary porno flicks. See, in the seventies and early eighties, porn was still being made by folks who considered themselves filmmakers. While not always successful, they were at least trying to make legitimate films with story, dialogue, sets, music and all of the other necessary ingredients of film. They weren't always "good," but they were oftentimes interesting (this notion was successfully lampooned in P.T. Anderson's fantastic Boogie Nights). Contemporary porn, by contrast, is pretty goddamn boring, usually comprised of a bunch overlong fuck scenes strung together with the barest thread of plot (sometimes not even that). Okay, I'll give you that some of the movie parodies are amusing, but for the most part, it sucks. I have, however, decided to break that rule in order to bring you the first entry in this year's FFF. You see, I've been saving this one for awhile...Journey with now into the Basment of Sleaze as I bear witness to some Perverted Stories...#32!
Why, you may ask, am I covering entry 32 in a (apparently very lengthy) series? What about #s 1-31? Won't I be lost? Well, Perverted Stories is a series of unconnected anthology porno shorts with fantastical/supernatural twists; think Spielberg's Amazing Stories television series with WAY more anal sex. I'll be honest with you, I'm not even really interested in writing about this whole movie, it's just the first segment, "Along Came the Spider," that I feel I need to share with you. But be warned; there are some things that, once seen (or read about), cannot be unseen (or read about).
A musclebound worker in a douchey, Affliction-type T-shirt is moving some boxes around in a dust old warehouse. He is observed from the shadows by a shadowy, inhuman figure (the creature's POV is represented by some 80s home video level split screen and toning effects; imagine Predator remade by public high school kids). When he freaks out after running across a black widow spider, the creature leaps from the shadows: it's a goddamn mutant spider woman! The veiny, slimy creature with enormous pink lips kind of resembles Janis from The Muppet Show if she were put though one of Seth Brundle's telepods with an arachnid. Anyway, because this is an "adult film," the she-creature immediately unzips the poor guy's pants and starts blowing him; he reciprocates by taking her amazing spider-anus to pound town and, after several sanity-doubting, seemingly endless minutes, he comes and she kills and webs him (he paid no attention to the red hourglass tattoo on her stomach).
Look, I've seen my share of shit. I've seen Cannibal Holocaust. I've seen Salo. I've seen Men Behind the Sun. I've seen A Serbian Film. I don't know if anything has ever repulsed/fascinated me quite the way this 12-minute sequence from a shitty, early 2000s porno movie has. What the actual fuck?!?! Even ignoring the obvious question of how, exactly, this mutant spider has perfect human female breasts and genitalia, one still has to wrap one's brain around the idea that a man, when assaulted by an absolutely disgusting spider-creature, decides that the best course of action is to perform cunnilingus on it before engaging in vigorous vaginal and anal sex. Maybe it's just me, but fuck; I'm having a REALLY difficult time connecting that thought process. I DO need to commend the film's effects artist; the makeup effects are genuinely good and supremely creepy-the spider woman's veiny, pulsating head and vacuum-like, dripping pink maw will stick with you for days. In fact, here's a photo:
For the record, the other three "stories" in this movie consist of a woman fucking voodoo zombies in the desert, a dismayed man who, upon discovering that his Vietnamese mail order bride doesn't speak English, decides to be classy as fuck and have sex with her before sending her back AND a guy who screws a corpse he finds floating in his pool (which is notable because the actress in the scene does a horrible job of playing dead).
On that note, pleasant dreams, everybody! I'll be back soon with some X-rated cartoons! Oh yeah; for the curious, here's a link to the entire goddamn "Along Came the Spider" scene:
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