Jodorowsky's Dune (2014)
Dir: Frank Pavich
"The greatest science fiction movie never made."
If you're a cinephile, you're no doubt at least vaguely aware that Chilean surrealist filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky (El Topo, The Holy Mountain, Santa Sangre) was attached to an ambitious adaptation of Frank Herbert's legendary science fiction novel Dune in the mid-seventies. More precisely, what Jodorowsky attempted to do was fucking win cinema forever by conjouring up a drug-fueled, FIFTEEN-HOUR mindfuck adaptation of Dune that would have starred his own son Axel as Paul Atreides, David Carradine as Duke Leto, Orson Welles as Baron Harkonnen, Gloria Swanson as Reverend Mother Mohiam, Charlotte Rampling as the lady Jessica, Mick Jagger as Feyd-Rautha and Salvador motherfucking Dali as Emperor Shaddam IV. The film would have married Herebert's narrative to Jodorowsky's own obsessions (castration, resurrection, divine ascension). The production was to be designed by surrealist painter H.R. Giger, renowned SF paperback cover illustrator Chris Foss and legendary French comics artist Jean "Moebius" Giraud and the effects executed by Dan O'Bannon. Each faction in the story would have music by a different artist, with Peter Gabriel providing the music for the Atreides, Pink Floyd providing the music for Arrakis/the Fremen and Magma providing the score for the Harkonnen/the Emperor. Because there would simply be no more movies worth making if this one was completed, the gods of cinema decreed that this not come to pass, and Jodorowsky's funding fell through while the film was still in pre-production.
If you're a genre film fan, even if you're not particularly into Jodorowsky or Dune, you owe it to your self to check out this mesmerizing documentary. So much of what Jodorowsky attempted on this film has come to inform genre filmmaking in the past four decades, and so many of the players involved went on to work on some of the seminal, groundbreaking SF films of all time. Jodorowsky assembled the script and all of the production artwork for the film into a book (why in god's name hasn't this been published?!), and many of it's pages come to life in Pavich's film as stunning 3-D images. While director Pavich interviews everybody associated with production who's available/still alive, Jodorowsky is the real star here and, even in his twilight years, he's a magnetic personality. He comes across as passionate, ambitious, naive, self-obsessed, insane, tenacious, pitiable and enormously generous, often at the same time. Four decades later, he's still passionate about the project and regretful that it never came to pass.
After Jodorowsky's film collapsed, the rights to Dune were purchased by Dino DeLaurentiis, who produced a David Lynch-directed adaptation that I adore, but which was critically lambasted and bombed at the box office. Jodorowsky has only directed intermittently since Dune fell apart, he spends more time writing comic books, where his creative impulses aren't restrained by budget. O'Bannon, Giger, Moebius and Foss all went on to work on Ridley Scott's Alien. Speaking of Alien...
Enter...If you dare!
Big thanks to "Diamond" Dave Wheeler for the bitchin' logo!
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Sunday, March 22, 2015
Entry Forty-Eight: Planet of the Vampires (1965)
Planet of the Vampires (1965)
Dir: Mario Bava
"10,000 years ago, or 10,000 years to come? Are they beings of the future or of the past, these men who rule the DEMON PLANET?"
Blood! Leather-clad space babes! Druggy-as-fuck visuals! The goddamn godfather of gialli; the legendary Mario Bava makes his Basement of Sleaze debut with this lurid, Technicolor space horror. Strap yourself in as we blast off for the Planet of the Vampires!
While investigating a mysterious signal emanating from an alien planet, the crew of the spaceship Argos pass through a strange radiation cloud. Major space babe Sanya (Norma Bengell) goes berserk and attacks hunky second-in-command Brad (Stelio Candelli, Nude for Satan, Demons), while ship's doctor Karan (Fernando Villena, Night of the Seagulls) also loses it and forces the ship to make planetfall. Once aground, the crew regains their composure, but engineer Wes (Angel Aranda, The Colossus of Rhodes) discovers that the radiation cloud has damaged their instruments, making it impossible to take off again. Tough-as-shit captain Markary (Barry Sullivan) rounds the crew up for an exploration of the fog and wind enshrouded planet, where they discover the wreck of sister ship Galliot. Inside the Galliot, they discover the corpses of her crew, including Markary's brother, Toby, who appear to have killed each other. While the crew returns to the Argos, the Galliot corpses appear on the surface of the planet, rising from cellophane-like cocoons in a supremely eerie scene. When the crew are attacked by what appears to be a psychedelic lightshow, crewman Bert (Franco Andre) has half his face melted off and dies and crewman Elden (Mario Morales) disappears. Markary, Sanya and crewman Carter journey back onto the planet, where they discover the pitted and scarred remains of an alien derelict spacecraft and a giant, non-human skeleton. Exploring the (visually striking, crimson-and-jade) derelict, Markary and Sanya discover the fossilized remains of the ship's navigator and an ancient communication system. Outside, Carter is killed by unseen forces. Back on the Argos, crew-woman Tiona (Evi Marandi, Paris when it Sizzles) develops a psychic link with the unseen assailants, while Toby and the crew of the Galliot show up and try to convince our heroes to take them aboard the Argos (nobody but Markary and Tiona seems to notice/mind that they're half rotting). The undead attempt to take over the Argos, and reveal that they are, in fact, a race of bodiless creatures who need to physically posses corporeal beings in order to leave the planet. Markary isn't gonna have any of that shit, and devises a plan to use nukes to stop the alien invaders. Will any of our heroes escape with their lives? Maybe, maybe not...There's a GREAT twist ending!
Bava certainly didn't create the "space horror" genre, but he certainly provided a template that would inform the genre for years to come. The production design of the film has one foot in 50s-era kitsch (the angular, austere, severe-angled sets of the spaceships) and one foot in the messy, "used-future" look that would become popular post-Star Wars (the often-disheveled look of the crew, the barren alien planet). As with his giallo and Diabolik films, Bava saturates the picture with a kaleidoscope of colors; I imagine it would be most attractive to people under the influence of certain controlled substances. Planet of the Vampires is perhaps most notable today as a major influence on Alien and it's sequels; the howling wind and fog of the alien planet, the derelict and it's skeletal crew, the vagina-like hatch on the Argos and even the score are reminiscent of similar elements in Alien, and the "possessed crew" sub-plot would later be borrowed for Prometheus. Jean-Pierre Jeunet lifted the scene where the crew of the Galliot rise from the dead for a similar scene with Ripley in Alien Resurrection. Hell, Dark Horse Comics even named a major character "Elden" in their Alien/Predator/Prometheus crossover story "Fire and Stone," presumably in homage to this movie. It should also be noted that the fetishistic black leather spacesuits in this move were lifted with very few changes for the costumes for X-Men (2000). If you're a Bava fan, or a fan of genre film history, this is well worth your time to check out.
Dir: Mario Bava
"10,000 years ago, or 10,000 years to come? Are they beings of the future or of the past, these men who rule the DEMON PLANET?"
Blood! Leather-clad space babes! Druggy-as-fuck visuals! The goddamn godfather of gialli; the legendary Mario Bava makes his Basement of Sleaze debut with this lurid, Technicolor space horror. Strap yourself in as we blast off for the Planet of the Vampires!
While investigating a mysterious signal emanating from an alien planet, the crew of the spaceship Argos pass through a strange radiation cloud. Major space babe Sanya (Norma Bengell) goes berserk and attacks hunky second-in-command Brad (Stelio Candelli, Nude for Satan, Demons), while ship's doctor Karan (Fernando Villena, Night of the Seagulls) also loses it and forces the ship to make planetfall. Once aground, the crew regains their composure, but engineer Wes (Angel Aranda, The Colossus of Rhodes) discovers that the radiation cloud has damaged their instruments, making it impossible to take off again. Tough-as-shit captain Markary (Barry Sullivan) rounds the crew up for an exploration of the fog and wind enshrouded planet, where they discover the wreck of sister ship Galliot. Inside the Galliot, they discover the corpses of her crew, including Markary's brother, Toby, who appear to have killed each other. While the crew returns to the Argos, the Galliot corpses appear on the surface of the planet, rising from cellophane-like cocoons in a supremely eerie scene. When the crew are attacked by what appears to be a psychedelic lightshow, crewman Bert (Franco Andre) has half his face melted off and dies and crewman Elden (Mario Morales) disappears. Markary, Sanya and crewman Carter journey back onto the planet, where they discover the pitted and scarred remains of an alien derelict spacecraft and a giant, non-human skeleton. Exploring the (visually striking, crimson-and-jade) derelict, Markary and Sanya discover the fossilized remains of the ship's navigator and an ancient communication system. Outside, Carter is killed by unseen forces. Back on the Argos, crew-woman Tiona (Evi Marandi, Paris when it Sizzles) develops a psychic link with the unseen assailants, while Toby and the crew of the Galliot show up and try to convince our heroes to take them aboard the Argos (nobody but Markary and Tiona seems to notice/mind that they're half rotting). The undead attempt to take over the Argos, and reveal that they are, in fact, a race of bodiless creatures who need to physically posses corporeal beings in order to leave the planet. Markary isn't gonna have any of that shit, and devises a plan to use nukes to stop the alien invaders. Will any of our heroes escape with their lives? Maybe, maybe not...There's a GREAT twist ending!
Bava certainly didn't create the "space horror" genre, but he certainly provided a template that would inform the genre for years to come. The production design of the film has one foot in 50s-era kitsch (the angular, austere, severe-angled sets of the spaceships) and one foot in the messy, "used-future" look that would become popular post-Star Wars (the often-disheveled look of the crew, the barren alien planet). As with his giallo and Diabolik films, Bava saturates the picture with a kaleidoscope of colors; I imagine it would be most attractive to people under the influence of certain controlled substances. Planet of the Vampires is perhaps most notable today as a major influence on Alien and it's sequels; the howling wind and fog of the alien planet, the derelict and it's skeletal crew, the vagina-like hatch on the Argos and even the score are reminiscent of similar elements in Alien, and the "possessed crew" sub-plot would later be borrowed for Prometheus. Jean-Pierre Jeunet lifted the scene where the crew of the Galliot rise from the dead for a similar scene with Ripley in Alien Resurrection. Hell, Dark Horse Comics even named a major character "Elden" in their Alien/Predator/Prometheus crossover story "Fire and Stone," presumably in homage to this movie. It should also be noted that the fetishistic black leather spacesuits in this move were lifted with very few changes for the costumes for X-Men (2000). If you're a Bava fan, or a fan of genre film history, this is well worth your time to check out.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Entry Forty-Seven: It! The Terror From Beyond Space (1958)
It! The Terror From Beyond Space (1958)
Dir: Edward L. Cahn
"The revelation shocker of things to come!"
These next few entries are going to follow a theme, as I ramp up to my GIANT-SIZE 50th entry! Can you guess what it is (I won't make it too terribly difficult for you...)? Tonight, the Basement of Sleaze journeys to the stars to combat It! The Terror From Beyond Space!
When America's first manned expedition to Mars goes awry, leaving only one survivor, a rescue mission is launched. Arriving on the red planet, they discover the sole survivor of the previous mission, Col. Edward Carruthers (Marshall Thompson, Fiend Without a Face, Bog). Carruthers insists that his crew were slaughtered by an alien being, but asshole mission leader Calder (Paul Langton, The Incredible Shrinking Man, They Were Expendable-the first war movie I ever watched with my old man!) refuses to believe the story and insists that Carruthers is a stone-cold murderer. When an airlock is left adjacent (How are they not all dead?), the very-real creature described by Carruthers sneaks aboard and begins offing the crew one-by-one...While Carruthers puts the moves on sexy first mate Ann Anderson (Shirley Patterson, World Without End, the original Batman serial), the crew discovers that the creature is using the air ducts to move around and sets a grenade-rigged trap. The strong-as-shit creature proves impervious to the grenades and demonstrates it's fortitude by bending a rifle in half. Engineer Eric (Dabbs Greer, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and...ahem...Con Air) rigs up some gas canisters, but these too prove ineffectual. The creature feeds on human flesh and continues to menace the crew by ripping through steel doors like cardboard. After being touched by the alien, Calder comes down with a strange alien virus and, in desperation, the remaining functional crewmen hatch a plan to herd the beast through the ducts and flush it into the airlock. When they fuck that up, they attempt to kill it but unshielding the ships nuclear power source, but that only results in the death of one of their own. Finally, they all don space suits and suck the air out of the ship, suffocating the creature.
This ultra low-budget fifties creature feature is unique amongst it's brethren for being TOO bright; a little murkiness might've generated a bit more atmosphere. Director Cahn also lingers way too long on the silly-looking creature suit (it sort of resembles the excellent, timeless monster suit from Creature from the Black Lagoon as redesigned by a twelve year-old and left under a heat lamp for several days). The male performances are all of the clipped, this-is-how-military-men-sound variety of the day, and the women are helpless, shrinking violets. This movie is perhaps best known today for having it's plot partially lifted by Dan O'Bannon for his screenplay for Alien (but he drastically improved on it). At only 70 minutes in length, does this even count as a feature?
Dir: Edward L. Cahn
"The revelation shocker of things to come!"
These next few entries are going to follow a theme, as I ramp up to my GIANT-SIZE 50th entry! Can you guess what it is (I won't make it too terribly difficult for you...)? Tonight, the Basement of Sleaze journeys to the stars to combat It! The Terror From Beyond Space!
When America's first manned expedition to Mars goes awry, leaving only one survivor, a rescue mission is launched. Arriving on the red planet, they discover the sole survivor of the previous mission, Col. Edward Carruthers (Marshall Thompson, Fiend Without a Face, Bog). Carruthers insists that his crew were slaughtered by an alien being, but asshole mission leader Calder (Paul Langton, The Incredible Shrinking Man, They Were Expendable-the first war movie I ever watched with my old man!) refuses to believe the story and insists that Carruthers is a stone-cold murderer. When an airlock is left adjacent (How are they not all dead?), the very-real creature described by Carruthers sneaks aboard and begins offing the crew one-by-one...While Carruthers puts the moves on sexy first mate Ann Anderson (Shirley Patterson, World Without End, the original Batman serial), the crew discovers that the creature is using the air ducts to move around and sets a grenade-rigged trap. The strong-as-shit creature proves impervious to the grenades and demonstrates it's fortitude by bending a rifle in half. Engineer Eric (Dabbs Greer, Invasion of the Body Snatchers and...ahem...Con Air) rigs up some gas canisters, but these too prove ineffectual. The creature feeds on human flesh and continues to menace the crew by ripping through steel doors like cardboard. After being touched by the alien, Calder comes down with a strange alien virus and, in desperation, the remaining functional crewmen hatch a plan to herd the beast through the ducts and flush it into the airlock. When they fuck that up, they attempt to kill it but unshielding the ships nuclear power source, but that only results in the death of one of their own. Finally, they all don space suits and suck the air out of the ship, suffocating the creature.
This ultra low-budget fifties creature feature is unique amongst it's brethren for being TOO bright; a little murkiness might've generated a bit more atmosphere. Director Cahn also lingers way too long on the silly-looking creature suit (it sort of resembles the excellent, timeless monster suit from Creature from the Black Lagoon as redesigned by a twelve year-old and left under a heat lamp for several days). The male performances are all of the clipped, this-is-how-military-men-sound variety of the day, and the women are helpless, shrinking violets. This movie is perhaps best known today for having it's plot partially lifted by Dan O'Bannon for his screenplay for Alien (but he drastically improved on it). At only 70 minutes in length, does this even count as a feature?
Entry Forty-Six: Savage Island (1985)
Savage Island (1985)
Dir: Ted Nicolaou
"Justice is another word for revenge!"
In between the critical and commercial failure of Exorcist II: the Heretic and becoming a born-again Christian, Linda Blair starred in a string of cut-rate exploitation flicks, including this one. Join me down in the Basement of Sleaze as we take a little vacation to Savage Island!
After an introductory scene in which a woman buried to her shoulders in sand is suffocated by a boa constrictor, we're introduced to Daly (Blair), a hard-as-fuck, uzi-packing vigilante. She infiltrates the lair of slimy crime boss Luker (Leon Askin, TV's Hogan's Heroes) after killing security guard Penn Jillette. Seems that Lukin runs "Emerald Island," from which Daly escaped. In flashback, she recounts an ordeal of women kidnapped and forced to work (scantily-clad, of course) in gem mines, whipped and tortured if they're unable to meet quota. Thankfully, a group of macho jewel thieves (who can't stand seeing women victimized and all sport FANTASTIC mustaches!) have infiltrated the island disguised as guards. With the help of these swarthy saboteurs, the enslaved ladies manage to stage a revolt and overthrow their overseers! Back in the present, Daly blows away Luker and steals a large emerald.
That's about as much plot as I can muster from this one, folks; it's a cut-and-paste job made up from two other features, Hotel Paradise and Escape to Hell (both 1980), with new framing segments and redubbing by Nicolaou (Subspecies). As such, there's no coherent story to speak of, characters come and go with no explanation, and lead jewel thief Laredo (Anthony Steffen, who was in both Hotel Paradise and Escape from Hell) has facial hair that comes and goes depending upon which movie a given scene comes from. Blair (whose character is meant to be a survivor of the "Emerald Island" excape) doesn't appear in any of the flashback scenes! Savage Island producer Charles Band would go on to employ Nicolaou for several of his Full Moon features. Only Blair devotees need seek this one out; anyone else interested should track down the unedited originals.
Dir: Ted Nicolaou
"Justice is another word for revenge!"
In between the critical and commercial failure of Exorcist II: the Heretic and becoming a born-again Christian, Linda Blair starred in a string of cut-rate exploitation flicks, including this one. Join me down in the Basement of Sleaze as we take a little vacation to Savage Island!
After an introductory scene in which a woman buried to her shoulders in sand is suffocated by a boa constrictor, we're introduced to Daly (Blair), a hard-as-fuck, uzi-packing vigilante. She infiltrates the lair of slimy crime boss Luker (Leon Askin, TV's Hogan's Heroes) after killing security guard Penn Jillette. Seems that Lukin runs "Emerald Island," from which Daly escaped. In flashback, she recounts an ordeal of women kidnapped and forced to work (scantily-clad, of course) in gem mines, whipped and tortured if they're unable to meet quota. Thankfully, a group of macho jewel thieves (who can't stand seeing women victimized and all sport FANTASTIC mustaches!) have infiltrated the island disguised as guards. With the help of these swarthy saboteurs, the enslaved ladies manage to stage a revolt and overthrow their overseers! Back in the present, Daly blows away Luker and steals a large emerald.
That's about as much plot as I can muster from this one, folks; it's a cut-and-paste job made up from two other features, Hotel Paradise and Escape to Hell (both 1980), with new framing segments and redubbing by Nicolaou (Subspecies). As such, there's no coherent story to speak of, characters come and go with no explanation, and lead jewel thief Laredo (Anthony Steffen, who was in both Hotel Paradise and Escape from Hell) has facial hair that comes and goes depending upon which movie a given scene comes from. Blair (whose character is meant to be a survivor of the "Emerald Island" excape) doesn't appear in any of the flashback scenes! Savage Island producer Charles Band would go on to employ Nicolaou for several of his Full Moon features. Only Blair devotees need seek this one out; anyone else interested should track down the unedited originals.
Friday, March 13, 2015
Entry Forty-Five: Don't Go in the Woods (1981)
Don't Go in the Woods (1981)
Dir: James Bryan
"Everyone has nightmares about the ugliest way to die."
Jesus, I can't even come up with a half-assedly snappy intro for this one; just...read on.
After a scholarly-looking dude wearing a tweed jacket with corduroy patches (WOEFULLY inappropriate woodland attire!) is messily dismembered in the woods by an unseen assailant, we're introduced to our primary group of hikers. Insufferable asshole Craig (James P. Hayden) is the leader of the group, which you can tell by by his whiny, know-it-all demeanor and sensible cowboy hat and neckerchief. Anti-authoritarian Peter (Jack McClelland) just wants to fuck about and takes every opportunity to razz Craig in his ridiculous Snagglepuss-sounding accent. Ingrid (Mary Gail Artz, who went on to become a casting director and work with Tim Burton, Spike Lee and Wes Anderson) and Joanne (Angie Brown, Teen Vamp) complain a lot about missing their soaps...y'know, because they're women. Meanwhile, an elderly woman and a fat hiker wearing a hot pink Hawaiian shirt and beret (seriously, what the fuck is up with the clothing in this movie? Had wardrobe never been hiking before? Don't Go in the Woods...Unless You Can Fucking Properly Dress Yourself, Like a High-functioning Adult) are offed by our mysterious murderer. Elsewhere, we're introduced to the local law enforcement: the alarmingly fat sheriff (Ken Carter), smooth-operator deputy Benson (James Franco lookalike David Barth, who constantly squirts breath spray and checks his looks in the mirror) and another officer who, with his aviator sunglasses, blonde perm, huge mustache, TOTALLY non-regulation v-neck police shirt and low-hanging gun belt looks like an exotic dancer from a VFW ladies' night. Jesus, those people in the woods are totally fucked. Next up, the killer offs a bewilderingly unattractive newlywed couple (the husband looks like Gary Busey wearing Luke's shirt from Star Wars!) and demonstrates amazing superhuman strength by rolling their van down a hill(!). Most of the movie repeats this pattern; the killer kills some random woods-dweller/visitor, then we cut back to Craig and the gang for some bickering. If you guessed that ,eventually, our hiking heroes meet up with the killer, you're right! Before that happens, however, we're treated to fey Peter and the remarkably unattractive Ingrid and Joanne splashing around in a river and revealing more of their pale, soggy bodies than I'd like to see. Gross. After disemboweling Craig, the killer is revealed as a mountain man who makes pirate noises ("Yaaarhhh!!!") and stalks Peter and the girls deeper into the woods. Also, a crippled guy gets killed after "comic relief" scenes of him not being able to get his wheelchair over a rough trail (why is he out in the woods alone?), set to "wacky" music. When Peter gets picked up by the (previously mentioned, obviously professional) cops under suspicion of the murders, can he clear his name and stop the real killer? If you care, give the movie a watch; I'm more than happy to share the incredulity...
I can usually find something positive to say about even the lowliest of flicks screened down here in the Basement of Sleaze, but this movie well and truly sucks. It has, however, insidiously wormed it's way into my mind, as I can't fucking STOP marveling at the fashion choices on display during it's runtime. I've developed a hypothesis that it actually takes place in some sort of purgatory, with each of it's cast members plucked from their particular time and place at the moment of death and deposited into this "dark wood of the soul," all of them forced to do combat with one another until the victor is deigned worthy of ascending to some sort of higher reward (like the Sega Genesis game Eternal Champions). Obviously, most of them were unprepared for woodland combat (or even the briefest of hiking excursions), making our Captain Kidd-like antagonist the strongest combatant. Director Bryant also made the equally insane Lady Streetfighter and The Executioner, Part 2 (there was no part one). This movie is probably most famous for being one of the original "video nasties;" the films banned in England by the NVALA in the early 80s.
Dir: James Bryan
"Everyone has nightmares about the ugliest way to die."
Jesus, I can't even come up with a half-assedly snappy intro for this one; just...read on.
After a scholarly-looking dude wearing a tweed jacket with corduroy patches (WOEFULLY inappropriate woodland attire!) is messily dismembered in the woods by an unseen assailant, we're introduced to our primary group of hikers. Insufferable asshole Craig (James P. Hayden) is the leader of the group, which you can tell by by his whiny, know-it-all demeanor and sensible cowboy hat and neckerchief. Anti-authoritarian Peter (Jack McClelland) just wants to fuck about and takes every opportunity to razz Craig in his ridiculous Snagglepuss-sounding accent. Ingrid (Mary Gail Artz, who went on to become a casting director and work with Tim Burton, Spike Lee and Wes Anderson) and Joanne (Angie Brown, Teen Vamp) complain a lot about missing their soaps...y'know, because they're women. Meanwhile, an elderly woman and a fat hiker wearing a hot pink Hawaiian shirt and beret (seriously, what the fuck is up with the clothing in this movie? Had wardrobe never been hiking before? Don't Go in the Woods...Unless You Can Fucking Properly Dress Yourself, Like a High-functioning Adult) are offed by our mysterious murderer. Elsewhere, we're introduced to the local law enforcement: the alarmingly fat sheriff (Ken Carter), smooth-operator deputy Benson (James Franco lookalike David Barth, who constantly squirts breath spray and checks his looks in the mirror) and another officer who, with his aviator sunglasses, blonde perm, huge mustache, TOTALLY non-regulation v-neck police shirt and low-hanging gun belt looks like an exotic dancer from a VFW ladies' night. Jesus, those people in the woods are totally fucked. Next up, the killer offs a bewilderingly unattractive newlywed couple (the husband looks like Gary Busey wearing Luke's shirt from Star Wars!) and demonstrates amazing superhuman strength by rolling their van down a hill(!). Most of the movie repeats this pattern; the killer kills some random woods-dweller/visitor, then we cut back to Craig and the gang for some bickering. If you guessed that ,eventually, our hiking heroes meet up with the killer, you're right! Before that happens, however, we're treated to fey Peter and the remarkably unattractive Ingrid and Joanne splashing around in a river and revealing more of their pale, soggy bodies than I'd like to see. Gross. After disemboweling Craig, the killer is revealed as a mountain man who makes pirate noises ("Yaaarhhh!!!") and stalks Peter and the girls deeper into the woods. Also, a crippled guy gets killed after "comic relief" scenes of him not being able to get his wheelchair over a rough trail (why is he out in the woods alone?), set to "wacky" music. When Peter gets picked up by the (previously mentioned, obviously professional) cops under suspicion of the murders, can he clear his name and stop the real killer? If you care, give the movie a watch; I'm more than happy to share the incredulity...
I can usually find something positive to say about even the lowliest of flicks screened down here in the Basement of Sleaze, but this movie well and truly sucks. It has, however, insidiously wormed it's way into my mind, as I can't fucking STOP marveling at the fashion choices on display during it's runtime. I've developed a hypothesis that it actually takes place in some sort of purgatory, with each of it's cast members plucked from their particular time and place at the moment of death and deposited into this "dark wood of the soul," all of them forced to do combat with one another until the victor is deigned worthy of ascending to some sort of higher reward (like the Sega Genesis game Eternal Champions). Obviously, most of them were unprepared for woodland combat (or even the briefest of hiking excursions), making our Captain Kidd-like antagonist the strongest combatant. Director Bryant also made the equally insane Lady Streetfighter and The Executioner, Part 2 (there was no part one). This movie is probably most famous for being one of the original "video nasties;" the films banned in England by the NVALA in the early 80s.
Saturday, March 7, 2015
Entry Forty-Four: Subspecies (1991)
Subspecies (1991)
Dir: Ted Nicolaou
"The night has fangs"
After the collapse of his theatrical company Empire Pictures, Charles Band created the DTV label Full Moon, whose releases dominated video store shelves throughout the 1990s. Tonight, I journey down into the Basement of Sleaze to view one of the most notable entries in the Full Moon catalog...
Two medieval history majors (Laura Mae Tate and Michelle McBride) travel to Transylvania to study an ancient fortress for their PHDs, meeting up with a Romanian exchange student (Irina Movila) on the way. Since there are no hotels in the vicinity, they're granted permission to stay in the fortress itself, which OF COURSE was once used by Vlad "Dracula" Tepes as a bastion against the Turks. Lurking in a nearby dilapidated castle is vampire Radu (Anders Hove, Nymphomaniac), who is obsessed with an ancient artifact called the Bloodstone (it looks like a piece of DOTS candy), and has the ability to create the diminutive title creatures from drops of his blood. Caught out in the woods at night, our bevy of brainy beauties are set upon by Radu and the subspecies, but are rescued by hunky good-guy vamp Stefan (Michael Watson), but not before Radu manages to slice the arm of McBride. As it turns out, Radu and Stefan are brothers, fighting over possession of the Bloodstone; whoever holds it is recognized as "king of the vampires." While the girls plan to attend a local festival, Stefan and an elderly vampire hunter make plans to end Radu with a rifle filled with wooden bullets (the one genuinely clever idea in the script). As the festival unfolds, Stefan and Tate fall in love, Radu kidnaps Movila and McBride dies from the wound Radu inflicted upon her. After Tate rescues the delightfully-disrobed Movila, she is captured by Radu, who prepares to make her his bride with the help of the risen McBride and now-infected Movila. Stefan shows up with his vampire hunter buddy, who kills the shit out of McBride with the wooden bullets, and Stefan engages in a sword fight with Radu, while Tate stakes the vampiric Movila. Stefan dispatches Radu, claims the Bloodstone, and takes the now-vampiric Tate as his bride.
As with several other Full Moon features, this (really dumb) movie was filmed at Band's real-life castle home in Romania. The script (excluding the aforementioned wooden bullets) is a boring pastiche of vampire movie cliches and the performances never rise above the "serviceable" level. Prior to this, director Nicolaou was best known for making Clive Barker adaptations for New World which were so awful that they inspired Barker to direct Hellraiser himself. This movie imitates (badly) several scenes from the classic Nosferatu. On the plus side, the Radu makeup effects by Greg Cannom are decent and obviously inspired similar effects on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series, and the stop-motion subspecies effects by Dave Allen (Flesh Gordon, Star Wars, Laserblast) are excellent. The score is alright, too. This is really only worth watching if you're a fan of Allen (and you should be, even if he is the original designer of the frustratingly-difficult boss monster at the end of the cantina level in Super Star Wars).
Dir: Ted Nicolaou
"The night has fangs"
After the collapse of his theatrical company Empire Pictures, Charles Band created the DTV label Full Moon, whose releases dominated video store shelves throughout the 1990s. Tonight, I journey down into the Basement of Sleaze to view one of the most notable entries in the Full Moon catalog...
Two medieval history majors (Laura Mae Tate and Michelle McBride) travel to Transylvania to study an ancient fortress for their PHDs, meeting up with a Romanian exchange student (Irina Movila) on the way. Since there are no hotels in the vicinity, they're granted permission to stay in the fortress itself, which OF COURSE was once used by Vlad "Dracula" Tepes as a bastion against the Turks. Lurking in a nearby dilapidated castle is vampire Radu (Anders Hove, Nymphomaniac), who is obsessed with an ancient artifact called the Bloodstone (it looks like a piece of DOTS candy), and has the ability to create the diminutive title creatures from drops of his blood. Caught out in the woods at night, our bevy of brainy beauties are set upon by Radu and the subspecies, but are rescued by hunky good-guy vamp Stefan (Michael Watson), but not before Radu manages to slice the arm of McBride. As it turns out, Radu and Stefan are brothers, fighting over possession of the Bloodstone; whoever holds it is recognized as "king of the vampires." While the girls plan to attend a local festival, Stefan and an elderly vampire hunter make plans to end Radu with a rifle filled with wooden bullets (the one genuinely clever idea in the script). As the festival unfolds, Stefan and Tate fall in love, Radu kidnaps Movila and McBride dies from the wound Radu inflicted upon her. After Tate rescues the delightfully-disrobed Movila, she is captured by Radu, who prepares to make her his bride with the help of the risen McBride and now-infected Movila. Stefan shows up with his vampire hunter buddy, who kills the shit out of McBride with the wooden bullets, and Stefan engages in a sword fight with Radu, while Tate stakes the vampiric Movila. Stefan dispatches Radu, claims the Bloodstone, and takes the now-vampiric Tate as his bride.
As with several other Full Moon features, this (really dumb) movie was filmed at Band's real-life castle home in Romania. The script (excluding the aforementioned wooden bullets) is a boring pastiche of vampire movie cliches and the performances never rise above the "serviceable" level. Prior to this, director Nicolaou was best known for making Clive Barker adaptations for New World which were so awful that they inspired Barker to direct Hellraiser himself. This movie imitates (badly) several scenes from the classic Nosferatu. On the plus side, the Radu makeup effects by Greg Cannom are decent and obviously inspired similar effects on the Buffy the Vampire Slayer TV series, and the stop-motion subspecies effects by Dave Allen (Flesh Gordon, Star Wars, Laserblast) are excellent. The score is alright, too. This is really only worth watching if you're a fan of Allen (and you should be, even if he is the original designer of the frustratingly-difficult boss monster at the end of the cantina level in Super Star Wars).
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Entry Forty-Three: Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Invasion of the Bee Girls (1973)
Dir: Denis Sanders
"They'll love the very life out of your body!"
Get out your bug spray and batten down the hatches; down here in the Basement of Sleaze, I'm doing my damnedest to ward off the Invasion of the Bee Girls!
Cinematic badass William Smith (Angels Die Hard, Boss Nigger, Conan the Barbarian) is Neil motherfucking Agar, a take-no-shit G-Man sent to investigate the sudden death of federally-bankrolled scientist Dr. Grubowsky in a small California town. After interviewing the dead man's sexy assistant, Julie Zorn (Victoria Vetri, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, Rosemary's Baby and Playboy's Miss September 1967) , smooth-as-hell Agar discovers that Grubowsky died mid-coitus in an extramarital tryst with said assistant. While the dead man's colleagues in the scientific community speak enviously on the manner of his demise ("Think of it, boys; coming and going at the same time!"), all sorts of dudes (frat boys, bikers, teachers) around town are dropping dead with their dicks hanging out. Coronary reports reveal that all of these gentlemen died fucking, and you can be damn sure that Neil Agar is going to get to the bottom of this shit, while also making time to romance the now-available Dr. Harris. The local authorities recommend total abstinence in order to prevent further death, a suggestion that the men of the town don't take kindly to ("These guys freeze wages...Dammit, they're not gonna FREEZE anything else!"). Meanwhile, the exotic Dr. Susan Harris (Anitra Ford, The Big Bird Cage, The Longest Yard), who has an obsession for sugar, is wandering about town romancing the members of the local scientific community. Agar and Zorn discover that Harris is the Queen of a race of extraterrestrial bees, who are taking over the women of this small town (they all wear sunglasses to shield their multifaceted eyes) in order to kill off the America's foremost experts on reproduction, thus ensuring a beachhead for a full invasion of this great nation! When Zorn is captured by Dr. Harris, will Agar be able to save her? Or will she, and the rest of our nation, be subjected to the will of the Bee Girls?
This movie is typically written off as a camp classic, but, while that's not totally inaccurate, there's a bit more worth looking at here. It's plot is informed by the paranoid alien invasion films of the height-of-the-Cold War 50s, it's colorful, often-trippy visuals by the B-movies of the 60s and it's anti-sex/anti-authority narrative is symptomatic of the 'Nam-era, post-Altamont, death-of-the-free-love-generation 70s. It was made during a transitional period in American cinema, and just might bear re-examining as an important (if confused) historical artifiact. If you'd rather view this as simply a bit of exploitation, then rest assured there are plenty of boobs, butts and vagina-bulges on display here. The director was primarily known for documentary and television work, but screenwriter Nicholas Meyer would go on to much more illustrious work: he penned the Sherlock Holmes film The Seven-Percent Solution, the excellent H.G. Welles-meets-Jack the Ripper time travel film Time After Time and the two best Star Trek movies.
Dir: Denis Sanders
"They'll love the very life out of your body!"
Get out your bug spray and batten down the hatches; down here in the Basement of Sleaze, I'm doing my damnedest to ward off the Invasion of the Bee Girls!
Cinematic badass William Smith (Angels Die Hard, Boss Nigger, Conan the Barbarian) is Neil motherfucking Agar, a take-no-shit G-Man sent to investigate the sudden death of federally-bankrolled scientist Dr. Grubowsky in a small California town. After interviewing the dead man's sexy assistant, Julie Zorn (Victoria Vetri, When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth, Rosemary's Baby and Playboy's Miss September 1967) , smooth-as-hell Agar discovers that Grubowsky died mid-coitus in an extramarital tryst with said assistant. While the dead man's colleagues in the scientific community speak enviously on the manner of his demise ("Think of it, boys; coming and going at the same time!"), all sorts of dudes (frat boys, bikers, teachers) around town are dropping dead with their dicks hanging out. Coronary reports reveal that all of these gentlemen died fucking, and you can be damn sure that Neil Agar is going to get to the bottom of this shit, while also making time to romance the now-available Dr. Harris. The local authorities recommend total abstinence in order to prevent further death, a suggestion that the men of the town don't take kindly to ("These guys freeze wages...Dammit, they're not gonna FREEZE anything else!"). Meanwhile, the exotic Dr. Susan Harris (Anitra Ford, The Big Bird Cage, The Longest Yard), who has an obsession for sugar, is wandering about town romancing the members of the local scientific community. Agar and Zorn discover that Harris is the Queen of a race of extraterrestrial bees, who are taking over the women of this small town (they all wear sunglasses to shield their multifaceted eyes) in order to kill off the America's foremost experts on reproduction, thus ensuring a beachhead for a full invasion of this great nation! When Zorn is captured by Dr. Harris, will Agar be able to save her? Or will she, and the rest of our nation, be subjected to the will of the Bee Girls?
This movie is typically written off as a camp classic, but, while that's not totally inaccurate, there's a bit more worth looking at here. It's plot is informed by the paranoid alien invasion films of the height-of-the-Cold War 50s, it's colorful, often-trippy visuals by the B-movies of the 60s and it's anti-sex/anti-authority narrative is symptomatic of the 'Nam-era, post-Altamont, death-of-the-free-love-generation 70s. It was made during a transitional period in American cinema, and just might bear re-examining as an important (if confused) historical artifiact. If you'd rather view this as simply a bit of exploitation, then rest assured there are plenty of boobs, butts and vagina-bulges on display here. The director was primarily known for documentary and television work, but screenwriter Nicholas Meyer would go on to much more illustrious work: he penned the Sherlock Holmes film The Seven-Percent Solution, the excellent H.G. Welles-meets-Jack the Ripper time travel film Time After Time and the two best Star Trek movies.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Entry Forty-Two: Steel Dawn (1987)
Steel Dawn (1987)
Dir: Lance Hool
"He is the desert warrior, carving the future with his sword."
I'm celebrating once again having heat here in the Basement of Sleaze by heading out into the irradiated desert with the Swayziest of all post-nuke movies, Steel Dawn
Patrick Swayze plays a nameless, wandering Buddhist swordsman in a post-apocalyptic future with no electricity, firearms or motorized vehicles. After killing the shit out of some Tusken Raider-like mutants, he witnesses an old friend getting murdered by a feathered-haired assassin and happens upon a "water farm" run by Lisa Niemi (who would become Mrs. Swayze in real life) and her platonic partner, the great character actor Brion James (48 Hours, Flesh + Blood-here sporting a Hulk Hogan look). Swayze becomes Niemi's lover and a father figure to her son, but is forced to take up his sword again when James is killed and the little boy is kidnapped by rival farmer Anthony Zerbe (The Omega Man, License to Kill) and his gang (including a young Arnold Vosloo, from Hard Target and The Mummy), who wants Niemi's land.
Yes, this is an uncredited remake of Shane in a cost-effective post-nuke setting. Everybody in the movie looks like they walked right off the set of an 80s pop metal video, particularly Niemi and Zerbe's chief assassin, Christopher Neame (Dracula A.D. 1972), who kinda looks like Vince Neill. Zerbe's gang ride silly-looking "wind racers (think soapbox racers with sails sticking out of them)." This is a pretty standard entry in the popular post-apocalyptic action genre genre; it's nowhere near the quality level of George Miller's Mad Max films and it isn't as entertainingly flamboyant and gory as the slew of Italian entries that got churned out in the 80s. Swayze looks pretty bored through most of it, but he met Niemi during the making of this film and they remained married through his death in 2009, so he got something good out of the deal.
Dir: Lance Hool
"He is the desert warrior, carving the future with his sword."
I'm celebrating once again having heat here in the Basement of Sleaze by heading out into the irradiated desert with the Swayziest of all post-nuke movies, Steel Dawn
Patrick Swayze plays a nameless, wandering Buddhist swordsman in a post-apocalyptic future with no electricity, firearms or motorized vehicles. After killing the shit out of some Tusken Raider-like mutants, he witnesses an old friend getting murdered by a feathered-haired assassin and happens upon a "water farm" run by Lisa Niemi (who would become Mrs. Swayze in real life) and her platonic partner, the great character actor Brion James (48 Hours, Flesh + Blood-here sporting a Hulk Hogan look). Swayze becomes Niemi's lover and a father figure to her son, but is forced to take up his sword again when James is killed and the little boy is kidnapped by rival farmer Anthony Zerbe (The Omega Man, License to Kill) and his gang (including a young Arnold Vosloo, from Hard Target and The Mummy), who wants Niemi's land.
Yes, this is an uncredited remake of Shane in a cost-effective post-nuke setting. Everybody in the movie looks like they walked right off the set of an 80s pop metal video, particularly Niemi and Zerbe's chief assassin, Christopher Neame (Dracula A.D. 1972), who kinda looks like Vince Neill. Zerbe's gang ride silly-looking "wind racers (think soapbox racers with sails sticking out of them)." This is a pretty standard entry in the popular post-apocalyptic action genre genre; it's nowhere near the quality level of George Miller's Mad Max films and it isn't as entertainingly flamboyant and gory as the slew of Italian entries that got churned out in the 80s. Swayze looks pretty bored through most of it, but he met Niemi during the making of this film and they remained married through his death in 2009, so he got something good out of the deal.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Entry Forty-One: Flesh Gordon (1974)
Flesh Gordon (1972)
Dir: Michael Benveniste & Howard Ziehm
"Not to be confused with the original Flash Gordon...or that multimillion dollar work of art playing down the street!"
Good fuck, it's COLD down here in the Basement of Sleaze! My furnace went out the night before last and I can't get a replacement installed until tomorrow...It's okay, though; I can huddle up under a few soiled blankets, burn some old popcorn boxes, skin mags and fanzines for warmth and turn up the HEAT with some adult entertainment! So, dear reader, journey down into the cold-ass basement with me as we take Fuck Flick February out with a bang (in more ways than one) with the grandaddy of all porn parodies, the galaxy spanning epic Flesh Gordon!
When a "sex ray" aimed at the Earth causes the masses to erupt in bouts of frenzied fornication, intrepid Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams, Society) blasts off in a phallic rocketship, along with his allies Dale Ardor (Suzanne Fields, The Story of "O") and Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins, nothing else), to confront the extraterrestrial perpetrators! After passing through the sex ray (which provides a convenient excuse for a DP threesome), our intrepid trio lands on the planet Porno. Upon arrival, they are forced to do battle with a nest of Penisauruses, and are then brought before depraved Emperor Wang the Perverted (Wiliam Hunt, TV's NYPD Blue). The orgy scene that occurs in Wang's throne room was clearly the inspiration for a similar scene in Conan the Barbarian, right down to the score! Wang decides to keep Dale for his bride, while sending Jerkoff off to work in his private laboratories and Flesh becomes the sex slave of his daughter, Amora (early porno starlet Nora Wieternik, Dr. Dildo's Secret). After administering a serious deep-dicking to Amora, Flesh reconnects with Jerkoff, and the two set off with Amora's "Power Pasties," the only thing that can stop the sex ray! After Dale is kidnapped by a group of underground "dykes" led by porno legend Candy Samples (Breast Orgy, here complete with hook hand and eyepatch!), Flesh teams up with a group of gay forest lads, rescues her and reunites with Dr. Jerkoff. Returning to Wang's throne room, they're forced to deal with a giant toilet and hilarious, tie-wearing rapist robots, before confronting the ultimate evil behind Wang's throne, the well-animated, Harryhausen-inspired Great God Porno (voiced by a then-struggling actor named Craig T. Nelson-TV's Coach and, more importantly, Action Jackson!).
Flesh Gordon has become something of a mainstream release since it's "adults only" debut in 1972; I initially saw it on a VHS release in the mid-nineties and I swear it contained more hardcore action than the Hen's Tooth Video DVD that I watched for this entry. Setting aside it's sleazier ambitions (and terrible acting), however, this is a genuinely loving and faithful tribute to the original Buster Krabbe Flash Gordon serials, right down to the costumes and bouncing-wire spaceship effects. The (excellent) stop-motion creature effects were provided by soon-to-be-legends David Allen (Star Wars, Laserblast), Dennis Muren (Equinox, Jurassic Park) and Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London, Gremlins 2: the New Batch). Required viewing for visual effects historians!
Dir: Michael Benveniste & Howard Ziehm
"Not to be confused with the original Flash Gordon...or that multimillion dollar work of art playing down the street!"
Good fuck, it's COLD down here in the Basement of Sleaze! My furnace went out the night before last and I can't get a replacement installed until tomorrow...It's okay, though; I can huddle up under a few soiled blankets, burn some old popcorn boxes, skin mags and fanzines for warmth and turn up the HEAT with some adult entertainment! So, dear reader, journey down into the cold-ass basement with me as we take Fuck Flick February out with a bang (in more ways than one) with the grandaddy of all porn parodies, the galaxy spanning epic Flesh Gordon!
When a "sex ray" aimed at the Earth causes the masses to erupt in bouts of frenzied fornication, intrepid Flesh Gordon (Jason Williams, Society) blasts off in a phallic rocketship, along with his allies Dale Ardor (Suzanne Fields, The Story of "O") and Dr. Flexi Jerkoff (Joseph Hudgins, nothing else), to confront the extraterrestrial perpetrators! After passing through the sex ray (which provides a convenient excuse for a DP threesome), our intrepid trio lands on the planet Porno. Upon arrival, they are forced to do battle with a nest of Penisauruses, and are then brought before depraved Emperor Wang the Perverted (Wiliam Hunt, TV's NYPD Blue). The orgy scene that occurs in Wang's throne room was clearly the inspiration for a similar scene in Conan the Barbarian, right down to the score! Wang decides to keep Dale for his bride, while sending Jerkoff off to work in his private laboratories and Flesh becomes the sex slave of his daughter, Amora (early porno starlet Nora Wieternik, Dr. Dildo's Secret). After administering a serious deep-dicking to Amora, Flesh reconnects with Jerkoff, and the two set off with Amora's "Power Pasties," the only thing that can stop the sex ray! After Dale is kidnapped by a group of underground "dykes" led by porno legend Candy Samples (Breast Orgy, here complete with hook hand and eyepatch!), Flesh teams up with a group of gay forest lads, rescues her and reunites with Dr. Jerkoff. Returning to Wang's throne room, they're forced to deal with a giant toilet and hilarious, tie-wearing rapist robots, before confronting the ultimate evil behind Wang's throne, the well-animated, Harryhausen-inspired Great God Porno (voiced by a then-struggling actor named Craig T. Nelson-TV's Coach and, more importantly, Action Jackson!).
Flesh Gordon has become something of a mainstream release since it's "adults only" debut in 1972; I initially saw it on a VHS release in the mid-nineties and I swear it contained more hardcore action than the Hen's Tooth Video DVD that I watched for this entry. Setting aside it's sleazier ambitions (and terrible acting), however, this is a genuinely loving and faithful tribute to the original Buster Krabbe Flash Gordon serials, right down to the costumes and bouncing-wire spaceship effects. The (excellent) stop-motion creature effects were provided by soon-to-be-legends David Allen (Star Wars, Laserblast), Dennis Muren (Equinox, Jurassic Park) and Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London, Gremlins 2: the New Batch). Required viewing for visual effects historians!
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