Entry 78: Chopping Mall (1986)

Chopping Mall (AKA Killbots, 1986)

Dir: Jim Wynorski

"Where shopping can cost you an arm and a leg."



Finally, a film that legitimizes my decision to do most of my shopping online...Remember your parking space and join me tonight as I leave the basement and take a trip to the Chopping Mall!
 
You know this was made in the 80s when it begins with a greasy mulletted dude in ripped jeans breaking into a jewelry store in a mall filled with ashtrays!  He's dispatched by a diminutive, treaded robot with a singular red eye (think a more sinister version of Johnny 5).  Cut to an applauding audience; turns out this is just a demonstration video put on by Secure-Tronics to demonstrate their new Protector-101 series security robots (as an amusing aside, Paul Bartell and Mary Woronov are in the audience reprising their roles as Paul and Mary Bland from Eating Raoul-"I don' t know, Mary; the one in the middle has an unpleasantly...'ethnic' quality."!).  The 101 units are set to undergo a trial run at a California mall, but when lightning strikes the mall the night of their debut, these killbots go crazy and begin slaughtering the overnight janitorial staff and a group of teenage employees (including Re-Animator's Barbara Crampton) who are partying after-hours.  The robots dispatch their victims using razor claws, electricity, flamethrowers and, in one extremely memorable scene, head-exploding laser blasts!     

Short and sweet (77 min.), Chopping Mall is never less than thoroughly entertaining.  Director Wynorski (Deathstalker II, The Return of Swamp Thing) fills the movie with his usual gratuitous T&A, dumb comic relief, excessive gore and plenty of in-jokes (references to Rambo, Terminator and Dawn of the Dead, a gun store called Peckinpah's, a movie-themed pizza restaurant decorated with posters from past Corman productions).  The young, enthusiastic cast is likable and seems to be having fun.  The robot effects by Robert Short (E.T., Star Trek: The Motion Picture) are fantastic.  Look for cameos from Corman regular Dick Miller (A Bucket of Blood, every goddamn Joe Dante movie) as a janitor and Gerrit Graham (Phantom of the Paradise, TerrorVision) as a doomed technician.

Entry 77: Turkey Shoot (1981)

Turkey Shoot (AKA Escape 2000, Blood Camp Thatcher-1981)

Dir: Brian Trenchard-Smith

"Hunting is the national sport...and people are the prey!"

 

For the first time since Mad Max: Fury Road, I'm journeying into the dark future of the "land down under."  Head down to the Basement, make yourself a Vegemite sandwich and buckle the fuck up as I take part in the Turkey Shoot! 


After opening credits set to newsreel footage showing the collapse of society (like in Mad Max 2), we are introduced to a trio of political dissidents being hauled to a prison camp in totalitarian, "future" 1995 Australia.  There's pirate radio broadcaster Steve Railsback (The Stunt Man, Lifeforce), arrest-resister Olivia Hussey (Black Christmas, It) and Lynda Stoner (Shark's Paradise), a politician's mistress who tried to break off the affair.  They are brought to an internment camp run by Charles Thatcher (Michael Craig, Vault of Horror, TVs Doctor Who), a stuffy, silver-haired gentleman who smokes a pipe and enjoys playing chess on a comically huge board.  After a camp initiation that involves Railsback being choked and beaten and the women sexually assaulted by the guards, they are brought to assembly, in which head guard Roger Ward (Mad Max, Long Weekend) makes the prisoners repeat litanies of self-abasement ("I am a deviant; the lowest form of life!") and administers beatings to those who don't pronounce enthusiastically enough.  Thatcher invites a group of high-ranking government officials to the camp, and the woman among them gets off while watching the guards burn a malnourished teenage dissident to death.  Thatcher offers our initial trio, along with longtime prisoners John Ley (Mad Max, BMX Bandits) and Bill Young (The Matrix, Chopper), a chance at freedom if they agree to participate in the titular event, in which they will be hunted, unarmed, through the outback by the weapon-equipped visiting officials.  What follows is an unbelievably gory game of cat-and-mouse, complete with foot-dismemberment, back-breakings, multiple arrow-piercings, mummified corpses, a dude getting pulped beneath the tires of a futuristic SUV and impalement on Rambo-style punji sticks.  Did I mention the sanity-doubting moment in which Thatcher reveals he has a circus freak wolfman at his disposal (he looks a lot like a technicolor version of the creature from The Mad Monster)?!  Can Railsback, Hussey and their compatriots survive this loaded game, or will their oppressors reign supreme? 

I didn't have time to mention it before, but it's worth noting that the "wolfman" bites it by being bisected by a bulldozer blade and one of the government officials casts off his mortal coil by being shot in the dick and burned.  Goddamn, I love this fucking movie.  It's as if Richard Connell took The Most Dangerous Game, hooked it up to Nigel Tufnel's amp cranked to 11, then pulled down your pants and hooked that amp directly to your genitals while also running a jackhammer on them for 92 minutes.  Director Trenchard-Smith made the equally fantastic Dead-End Drive-In and the 80s cult hit BMX Bandits before fading into (completely undeserved) obscurity (he's currently making Asylum-style DTV knockoff flicks).  He's certainly in need, and worthy, of a George Miller-style comeback...perhaps Quentin Tarantino naming him as one of his all-time favorite directors will help?  This Ozploitation gem was severely cut to secure an R-rating when it was released in the USA by Hemdale as Escape 2000 in 1982, and even more-so when it was released in the UK as Blood Camp Thatcher (get it?).  Seek out the region 1 DVD (as Escape 2000) and Blu-ray (as Turkey Shoot)
 releases, as they're fully uncut.    

Entry 76: 52 Pick-Up (1986)

52 Pick-Up (1986)

Dir: John Frankenheimer

"His wife.  His mistress.  His career...A deadly trap."

 

Roy Scheider (Jaws, Naked Lunch) stars in this lean, mean L.A. neo-noir from director Frankenheimer (Seconds, Prophecy).  Scheider is Harry Mitchell, a wealthy L.A. engineer and Korean war vet married to A.D.A. Ann-Margret (Tommy, The Limey) and fucking nude model Kelly Preston (Amazon Women on the Moon, Twins).  Preston works some low-life individuals who catch she and Harry schtupping on tape and decide to blackmail the man.  This terrible trio consists of sleazy porno director John Glover (The Evil That Men Do, Gremlins 2: the New Batch, slimey and scary in a career-best performance-he sometimes wears an eye patch for no reason!), unhinged ex-con killer Clarence Williams III (TVs Mod Squad and Twin Peaks, scary as fuck here!)  and gay brothel owner Robert Trebor (My Demon  Lover, Universal Soldier).  Harry refuses to pay up, and the scumbags murder Preston (in a genuinely unnerving and affecting snuff movie sequence).  This just pisses Harry off further, and soon this grizzled middle-aged bastard is prowling the seedy streets of downtown L.A., putting in place a plan to exact revenge by pitting these three dirtbags against one another, with help along the way from exotic dancer Vanity (Tanya's Island, Action Jackson-always a favorite in the basement!)!

I really enjoyed this hard-boiled, take-no-shit crime thriller, but it's too bad that the "happy" ending feels like a last-minute tack-on to appease mainstream audiences.  Elmore Leonard wrote the script from his own novel (producers Golan & Globus must've loved the book; they filmed it just two years earlier as The Ambassador!).  The performers are all great, but Scheider owns this movie: Harry's transformation from rich, complacent schlub to vengeful ass-kicker is natural and believable, and he even manages to bring some sympathy and vulnerability to this tough guy in his scenes with Margaret.  Watch for a cameo from Ron Jeremy as a participant in a sex party at Glover's apartment.        

Entry 75: The House on Sorority Row (1983)

The House on Sorority Row (1983)

Dir: Mark Rosman

"Sisters in life.  Sisters in death."

 

After (briefly) talking about slashers with a friend at work today, I decided it was time to revisit that most prolific of horror sub-genres.  Join me now, as I get rude, nude, wasted and...um...dead with the girls at The House on Sorority Row!

After a 1961-set prologue in which a Mrs. Slater miscarries a child, we flash forward to 1981, in which the girls of the Pi-Pheta sorority are planning on hosting their graduation party in their closed-for-the-season sorority house, much to the chagrin of their unstable house mom, the previously mentioned Mrs. Slater.  This motley group of gals includes smart, responsible Kate (Kristen Stewart prototype Kate McNeil, Monkey Shines, Sudden Death), ditzy Liz (Janis Ward) and, best of all, sexy, smoking, hard-drinking, pistol-toting (my kinda gal!) Vicki (Eileen Davidson, Goin' All the Way!, a shitload of soap operas your mom watches).  After the opening salvo of their reverie is interrupted by an irate Slater, the girls propose a toast: "To Mrs. Slater!  The house mother to end all house mothers!"  They're not fucking kidding, as the demented old coot bursts in to Vicki's bedroom while she's fucking her Jew-fro sporting boyfriend, slashing her waterbed and drenching them both!  Vicki vows vengeance, and accidentally blows away the old bag in a prank gone awry.  The other girls agree to cover it up, and they unceremoniously dump the curmudgeon's corpse in a fetid swimming pool.  That night, the graduation party continues with a terrible proto-new wave band with atrocious hair, and the bloodshed begins as a fat, mustached partygoer is killed in the woods by an unseen assailant!  After several of the sisters are killed, Kate discovers a creepy-as-shit, dollhouse-type room beneath the sorority house filled with clown paraphernalia (this was the shitting-myself moment for this film; I, like all rational people, hate and distrust clowns).  Eventually, Vicki is slaughtered by someone wielding Slater's cane and boring Kate is (predictably) left as the "final girl" to face the mad killer with Vicki's pistol (if you want to know the identity of the killer, watch the damn movie!).  The insane finale DOES include clown masks, daggers, identity reveals and a sense of closure not often found in the slasher genre.  I dug it.

This Halloween/Friday the 13th cash-in features a lamentable lack of gore or naked female flesh (perhaps owing to director Rosman's future as a Disney TV employee), but features stylish, engaging direction by Rosman and acceptable, even winning, performances by its young cast, as well as decent production values.  The (actually pretty damn good) score is by Richard Band, of Re-Animator and a thousand Full Moon flicks.  This is a fun, stylish, worthwhile entry into the slasher canon; check it out!      

 

Entry 74: Van Nuys Blvd. (1979)

Van Nuys Blvd. (1979)

Dir: William Sachs

"The greatest cruisin' in the land takes place on the street..."

 

As the summer months are waning (thank fucking god), join me in the Basement as I take a breezy, warm, 93-minute cruise down Van Nuys Blvd.!

When we first meet small-town teen Bobby (played by obviously late-20s or early-30s Bill Adler, Blue Sunshine, The Pom-Pom Girls), he's wearing a plunging v-neck and blasting his sweet van down a country road.  Arriving at his trailer, he finds his sexy, nubile girlfriend waiting inside for him, naked and sweaty.  Rather than make time with his ready and willing gal, this small-town shithead would rather watch a news story about the wild times going down on the titular street.  Before you can say "blueballs," Bobby's out the door and on his way to sunny SoCal!  The rest of this nearly plotless raunchy teen comedy plays out like a Bob Guccione-produced remake of American Graffiti, as we're introduced to a disparate group of Van Nuys regulars: nerdy Greg (Dennis Bowen, TVs Welcome Back, Kotter) lusts after comely Camille (Melissa Prophet, previous BOS entry Time Walker, Invasion USA) but winds up involved with a sexy biker chick.  Van-driving cutie Moon (Cynthia Wood, Shampoo, Apocalypse Now), gets busted by the cops after getting taunted into a drag race by Bobby.  After Bobby, Moon, Greg, Camille and superbly-mustached Chooch (David Hayward, Nashville, Eaten Alive) spend a night in the slammer together, they all decide to go to the amusement park the next day (like you do).  The rest of the movie consists of a series of vignettes in which our heroes get involved with tits, sledgehammer duels, tits, rapist cops, tits, topless dancers, tits, drag racing...Did I mention there are a shitload of tits in this movie?  Eventually, Bobby and Moon hook up and Chooch finds love with a topless waitress, but (severely irritating) Greg gets in some shit when he crawls through the wrong window to rendezvous with Camille and ends up making foreplay with her middle-aged parents!  Hilarity ensues, of course, but the two end up together, anyway. 

Y'know, I'd REALLY like to give this one a recommendation; the actors are (mostly) likable and enthusiastic (despite being too old for their roles), the (non-surgically-enhanced) nudity is acceptable, and director Sachs (The Incredible Melting Man, Galaxina) keeps the action at a breezy pace.  But goddamn, Greg is such an obnoxious, unlikable fuckwit that it ruins the whole fucking film.  He spends most of the running time playing irritating practical jokes, mocking the other characters and generally making an ass of himself.  I kept waiting for Bobby and Chooch to team up and beat the shit out of him.  I was disappointed.  You will be, too.      

Entry 73: Commando (1985)

Commando (1985)

Dir: Mark L. Lester

"Somewhere...somehow...someone's going to pay."

 

In 1985, the director of Roller Boogie, the writer of Teen Wolf and the star of Hercules in New York came together and, somehow, created the most cartoonishly superlative example of 80's action cinema.  Join me now as I let off some steam in the Basement of Sleaze with Commando!

Arnold Schwarzenegger (in a role originally intended for Gene Simmons (!), then Nick Nolte) stars as German-American ex-special forces Colonel John Matrix (he eats Green Berets for breakfast!).  When his young daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano, TVs Who's the Boss?, Embrace of the Vampire) is kidnapped by a South American Dictator bent on forcing him into an assassination, Matrix rampages across California in an attempt to get her back.  He's aided in his quest by a plucky flight attendant (Rae Dawn Chong, daughter of Tommy and star of the immortal classic Soul Man).  Several gunshots, impalings, neck-breakings and limb-hackings later, Matrix is forced to take on his former student Bennet (now working for the dictator) Mano-y-mano...

I've told this story several times before, but Commando holds a VERY special place in my heart, as it was the first R-rated film I'd ever seen.  After being told that I was too young to watch it by my mom, I was awoken by my dad after she'd gone to sleep and we proceeded to stay up late into the night watching the movie and talking about it.  It was my first exposure to blood, gore, boobs and foul language on film, and it helped cultivate a lifelong obsession!  Commando is very much a live-action cartoon, existing in that special alternate-reality where heroes are invincible and all "bad guys" are terrible shots.  Along with the same year's Rambo: First Blood, Part II, it defined the "one man army" as THE action movie trope of the mid-to-late 80s.  Just a year removed from his terrifying role in The Terminator, Schwarzenegger is surprisingly likable and affable as Matrix, and he gets to deliver some of his all-time greatest one-liners here.  He's ably supported by an INCREDIBLE cast, including Dan Hedaya (Blood Simple, TVs Cheers), David Patrick Kelly (48 Hours, TVs Twin Peaks), Bill Duke (Predator, Action Jackson)...and yes, Bill Paxton (Aliens, Near Dark)!  Best of all is Vernon Wells (Mad Max 2, Circuitry Man) as Bennett, resplendent in Freddie Mercury-'stache and chainmail shirt, chewing the scenery as if he were starving to death.  He is, without question, one of the great action movie villains of the 80s.  A standout action sequence takes place in the same shopping mall in which portions of Terminator 2: Judgement Day would be filmed.  Co-writer Steven E. DeSouza penned a sequel in which Matrix would have taken on terrorists in an office building; when Arnold turned it down, it got tweaked and became Die Hard.  Commando features all the explosions, blood and nudity you'd expect of 80s action fare, but has the good sense to maintain a strong sense of humor, reminding the audience that none of this is meant to be taken too seriously.  A 2007 director's cut added a minute-and-a-half of exposition and gore; as they neither add anything of real value to the film, nor impact the pacing, neither version is preferable.