Entry 74: Van Nuys Blvd. (1979)

Van Nuys Blvd. (1979)

Dir: William Sachs

"The greatest cruisin' in the land takes place on the street..."

 

As the summer months are waning (thank fucking god), join me in the Basement as I take a breezy, warm, 93-minute cruise down Van Nuys Blvd.!

When we first meet small-town teen Bobby (played by obviously late-20s or early-30s Bill Adler, Blue Sunshine, The Pom-Pom Girls), he's wearing a plunging v-neck and blasting his sweet van down a country road.  Arriving at his trailer, he finds his sexy, nubile girlfriend waiting inside for him, naked and sweaty.  Rather than make time with his ready and willing gal, this small-town shithead would rather watch a news story about the wild times going down on the titular street.  Before you can say "blueballs," Bobby's out the door and on his way to sunny SoCal!  The rest of this nearly plotless raunchy teen comedy plays out like a Bob Guccione-produced remake of American Graffiti, as we're introduced to a disparate group of Van Nuys regulars: nerdy Greg (Dennis Bowen, TVs Welcome Back, Kotter) lusts after comely Camille (Melissa Prophet, previous BOS entry Time Walker, Invasion USA) but winds up involved with a sexy biker chick.  Van-driving cutie Moon (Cynthia Wood, Shampoo, Apocalypse Now), gets busted by the cops after getting taunted into a drag race by Bobby.  After Bobby, Moon, Greg, Camille and superbly-mustached Chooch (David Hayward, Nashville, Eaten Alive) spend a night in the slammer together, they all decide to go to the amusement park the next day (like you do).  The rest of the movie consists of a series of vignettes in which our heroes get involved with tits, sledgehammer duels, tits, rapist cops, tits, topless dancers, tits, drag racing...Did I mention there are a shitload of tits in this movie?  Eventually, Bobby and Moon hook up and Chooch finds love with a topless waitress, but (severely irritating) Greg gets in some shit when he crawls through the wrong window to rendezvous with Camille and ends up making foreplay with her middle-aged parents!  Hilarity ensues, of course, but the two end up together, anyway. 

Y'know, I'd REALLY like to give this one a recommendation; the actors are (mostly) likable and enthusiastic (despite being too old for their roles), the (non-surgically-enhanced) nudity is acceptable, and director Sachs (The Incredible Melting Man, Galaxina) keeps the action at a breezy pace.  But goddamn, Greg is such an obnoxious, unlikable fuckwit that it ruins the whole fucking film.  He spends most of the running time playing irritating practical jokes, mocking the other characters and generally making an ass of himself.  I kept waiting for Bobby and Chooch to team up and beat the shit out of him.  I was disappointed.  You will be, too.