Entry Forty-Five: Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Don't Go in the Woods (1981)

Dir: James Bryan

"Everyone has nightmares about the ugliest way to die."



Jesus, I can't even come up with a half-assedly snappy intro for this one; just...read on.

After a scholarly-looking dude wearing a tweed jacket with corduroy patches (WOEFULLY inappropriate woodland attire!) is messily dismembered in the woods by an unseen assailant, we're introduced to our primary group of hikers.  Insufferable asshole Craig (James P. Hayden) is the leader of the group, which you can tell by by his whiny, know-it-all demeanor and sensible cowboy hat and neckerchief.  Anti-authoritarian Peter (Jack McClelland) just wants to fuck about and takes every opportunity to razz Craig in his ridiculous Snagglepuss-sounding accent.  Ingrid (Mary Gail Artz, who went on to become a casting director and work with Tim Burton, Spike Lee and Wes Anderson) and Joanne (Angie Brown, Teen Vamp) complain a lot about missing their soaps...y'know, because they're women.  Meanwhile, an elderly woman and a fat hiker wearing a hot pink Hawaiian shirt and beret (seriously, what the fuck is up with the clothing in this movie?  Had wardrobe never been hiking before?  Don't Go in the Woods...Unless You Can Fucking Properly Dress Yourself, Like a High-functioning Adult) are offed by our mysterious murderer.  Elsewhere, we're introduced to the local law enforcement: the alarmingly fat sheriff (Ken Carter), smooth-operator deputy Benson (James Franco lookalike David Barth, who constantly squirts breath spray and checks his looks in the mirror) and another officer who, with his aviator sunglasses, blonde perm, huge mustache, TOTALLY non-regulation v-neck police shirt and low-hanging gun belt looks like an exotic dancer from a VFW ladies' night.  Jesus, those people in the woods are totally fucked.  Next up, the killer offs a bewilderingly unattractive newlywed couple (the husband looks like Gary Busey wearing Luke's shirt from Star Wars!) and demonstrates amazing superhuman strength by rolling their van down a hill(!).  Most of the movie repeats this pattern; the killer kills some random woods-dweller/visitor, then we cut back to Craig and the gang for some bickering.  If you guessed that ,eventually, our hiking heroes meet up with the killer, you're right!  Before that happens, however, we're treated to fey Peter and the remarkably unattractive Ingrid and Joanne splashing around in a river and revealing more of their pale, soggy bodies than I'd like to see.  Gross.  After disemboweling Craig, the killer is revealed as a mountain man who makes pirate noises ("Yaaarhhh!!!") and stalks Peter and the girls deeper into the woods.  Also, a crippled guy gets killed after "comic relief" scenes of him not being able to get his wheelchair over a rough trail (why is he out in the woods alone?), set to "wacky" music.  When Peter gets picked up by the (previously mentioned, obviously professional) cops under suspicion of the murders, can he clear his name and stop the real killer?  If you care, give the movie a watch; I'm more than happy to share the incredulity...

I can usually find something positive to say about even the lowliest of flicks screened down here in the Basement of Sleaze, but this movie well and truly sucks.  It has, however, insidiously wormed it's way into my mind, as I can't fucking STOP marveling at the fashion choices on display during it's runtime.  I've developed a hypothesis that it actually takes place in some sort of purgatory, with each of it's cast members plucked from their particular time and place at the moment of death and deposited into this "dark wood of the soul," all of them forced to do combat with one another until the victor is deigned worthy of ascending to some sort of higher reward (like the Sega Genesis game Eternal Champions).  Obviously, most of them were unprepared for woodland combat (or even the briefest of hiking excursions), making our Captain Kidd-like antagonist the strongest combatant.  Director Bryant also made the equally insane Lady Streetfighter and The Executioner, Part 2 (there was no part one).  This movie is probably most famous for being one of the original "video nasties;" the films banned in England by the NVALA in the early 80s.