Entry 53: Vampyros Lesbos (1971)

Vampyros Lesbos (1971)

Dir: Jesus Franco

"A psycho-sexadelic horror freakout!"
So tonight I'm mixing a cocktail using Bacardi's new "Maestro de Ron" top-shelf white rum, so I figured I'd showcase some top-shelf exploitation.  Pour a stiff one, and journey with me across the pond as we once again explore the world of Jesus Franco in Vampyros Lesbos!

This atmospheric little softcore gem begins in a castle/nightclub (the sort of establishment that existed ONLY in Europe in the 1970s), where a dancer (the gorgeous Soledad Miranda, Franco's Count Dracula and She Killed in Ecstasy) performs a strange act involving a mirror, a candelabra and another woman who alternately stands mannequin-still and moves like she's doing The Robot.  This act is viewed lustily by patron Linda (Ewa Stromberg, The Zombie Walks, Virgin Wives), who begins having erotic dreams about the dancer that cause her to finger-blast herself to orgasm in her sleep.  This drives Linda to consult a therapist, as its damaging her relationship with fiancee Omar (Andrea Montchal).  The shrink blames sexual frustration, but as a viewer I REFUSE to believe that Omar isn't taking care of business in the bedroom, as he rocks a mustache that's positively Selleckian in it's majesty.  Clearly, the problem is elsewhere.  Anyway, Linda, who works as a lawyer, is called away on business to the island of Countess Carody in Hungary.  Upon arrival in Hungary, Linda is warned not journey to the island by the locals but does so anyway and meets up with the Countess, who, of course, turns out to be a dead-ringer for the dancer at the beginning of the film.  After a brief introduction, the two ladies take the opportunity to strip down and frolic on the beach while a rockin' Europop surf-instrumental plays.  Once the ladies stop admiring each others' birthday suits and get down to business, Carody reveals that she is, in fact, the widow of one Count Dracula (yes, this movie exists in a universe in which Bram Stoker does not, ensuring that Linda doesn't bat an eye when the name is dropped), and he has left her a sizable inheritance.  As you've no doubt surmised, the two wind up fucking, and Carody drinks Linda's blood.  Linda escapes, and winds up in a mental hospital under the care of Dr. Seward (Dennis Price, Kind Hearts and Coronets).  While Omar's mustache shows up to comfort Linda in the institution, Carody plots to initiate Linda into vampirism, a plot she relates to her silent manservant (director Franco, in some truly fantastic, giant 70s shades).  Will Linda succumb to Carody's feminine wiles, or will she find a way to defeat the vampiress?

This one has it all, folks, and is well-deserving of it's (classic) reputation.  In fact, I think the whole sleaze-minded family could gather 'round the "idiot box" to take it in: two great-looking female leads who are naked A LOT for the bishop-floggers, JUST enough blood to satisfy the gorehounds AND Franco gives it his all in the directorial department, filling each frame with lush reds (symbolic!), whites, greens and blacks-perfect for the art house crowd!  This has been called Franco's best film, and, while I haven't been exposed to enough of his work to wholeheartedly agree, it certainly gets my endorsement.