Entry 117: Solarbabies (1986)

Solarbabies (1986)

Dir: Alan Johnson

"Who will rule the future?"

   

Hoo boy...No host introduction this time; let's just get to it...I don't even know where the fuck to start...

In post-nuke year 41, America is in a perpetual state of civil war between the Protectorate, a group of Nazi-like fascists, and the mysterious, benevolent Eco Warriors (no, not the G.I. Joe sub-team).  The Protectorate raises it's children in orphanages (initially, these children seem to be war orphans, but it's later intimated that the Protectorate takes children from their families to raise them in these group homes...I dunno, this script is a fucking mess), where they're encouraged to divide into teams and play skate lacrosse as a sort of discipline/team building exercise.  The best team on the circuit is the Solarbabies, made up of a demographic-pleasingly diverse cast of then-young, up-and-coming Hollywood stars.  The Solarbabies discover Bodhi, a mysterious, Heavy Metal-inspired glowing, floating orb which appears to possessed of a great intelligence and is able to communicate with them telepathically.  The Solarbabies escape their orphanage in an attempt to keep Bodhi out of Protectorate hands.  As they skate across the wasteland (!) and Bodhi continually changes hands, they encounter bounty hunters, a vaguely Native American dude with spectacular feathered hair and an owl, a Bartertown-inspired ramshackle dwelling called Tiretown, Protectorate enforces in silly-looking cars, a mulleted team of evil skaters and some Eco Warriors led by a guy who looks like Jesus if he'd reached middle age.  Eventually, Bodhi helps the Solarbabies destroy the Protectorate headquarters and bring water to the parched Earth.

This goddamn movie was written by Walon Green, who penned The Wild Bunch and Sorcerer, and I can't tell you what the fuck he was thinking, or even begin to parse out what this movie's about.  What are the philosophies of the Protectorate and the Eco Warriors and why are they at war?  What the fuck is Bodhi; by what rules does he operate, what does he want and where does he come from?  We're told by benevolent orphanage overseer Charles Durning (The Fury, When a Stranger Calls) that Bodhi's return is prophesied-by whom and why?!  And why is the goddamn Protectorate so hellbent on destroying him?!?!  Jesus fuckin' Christ, this thing makes my head feel like it's going to explode!  This EXTREMELY underdeveloped mashup of a Mad Max-knockoff post-nuke flick, Rollerball and Lord of the Flies with a little Dune tossed in was produced by Mel Brooks in the hope that it would become the next Star Wars...Bad call, Mel.  Solarbabies isn't entirely without it's pleasures, however.  Richard Jordan (Logan's Run, Dune) and Sarah Douglas (Superman II, Conan the Destroyer) chew the scenery with aplomb as the Nazi-ish villains, the climactic battle involves a spider-like robot built by the great Richard Edlund (the Star Wars trilogy, Ghostbusters) and the imaginative costumes are by Bob Ringwood (Excalibur, Dune, Batman).  Best of all, there are some surprising (and REALLY fucking inappropriate) gore effects by Steve Johnson (Big Trouble in Little China, Species), including a torture device that makes a man hallucinate the the flesh is falling away from his arm and, in the final battle sequence, Douglas' hands bursting into flames and melting...and this is supposed to be a children's film!  Only in the '80's...the young main cast is pretty bland and interchangeable, but includes Jason Patric (The Lost Boys, Sleepers), Jami Gertz (Less Than Zero, Jersey Girl), Lukas Haas (Witness, Mars Attacks!), James Le Gros (Drugstore Cowboy, Point Break), Peter Deluise (TV's 21 Jump Street) and Adrian Pasdar (Top Gun, TV's Agents of SHIELD).  Also, watch for a brief appearance from the great Bruce Payne (Passenger 57, Warlock II: the Armageddon), teaching the Solarbabies a lesson in Payne as evil skater Dogger.  

I always try my best to find the good in every film I watch, but to be honest, there isn't much of value in Solarbabies beyond kitsch.  If you're having a few drinks with some friends and need something to chuckle at, feel free to pop it in.  Otherwise, you'll get more of value out of watching one of George Miller's Mad Max films or really any random Italian post-nuke flick.