Entry 129: Microwave Massacre (1983)

Microwave Massacre (1983)

Dir: Wayne Berwick

"They came for dinner...to find they were it!"


 

This movie's opening credits begin superimposed over the image of a woman's jiggling tits as she walks down the sidewalk (don't worry, ass people; we're treated to a butt shot, as well), so you know exactly what kind of movie you're watching.  After the credits, the aforementioned woman happens upon a group of construction workers taking lunch, and shoves the aforementioned pair of tits through a hole in a fence, taunting them.  This is juxtaposed with Donald (stand-up comic Jackie Vernon), another construction worker trying, and failing, to eat a giant crab sandwich made with a full, shell-on crab.  This, folks, is the sort of cutting-edge humor that you've come to Microwave Massacre for, and dammit, you'll not be denied!  Donald and friends head out after work to a dingy strip club, where we're introduced to Sam, a bartender who deflects Donald's complaints about his life (mean-spirited wife, lousy job, pacemaker)
 by talking about his hemorrhoids.  Donald goes home to discover that his overbearing wife, May, has made a dish even more revolting than the full-crab sandwich for dinner.  She then insults his masculinity, calls him a "human contraceptive" and compares him, unfavorably, with their little yappy dog.  The next day at work, Donald resigns himself to eating a dog food sandwich while one of his co-workers makes time with tits girl from the beginning of the film.  After work, Donald goes to the bar, gets shitfaced, then goes home and bludgeons May to death after another argument.  Upon waking the next day, he discovers her body stuffed into their new industrial microwave, cooks her on "slow broil," chops her up and places her in their refrigerator ("Gotta make room for May!").  Donald views a true crime program on television that advises "The only perfect crime is one in which the perpetrator eats all of the evidence," and soon he finds himself eating pieces of May's nuked body as a midnight snack ("I guess it's better than nothing...Hey; that's not too bad!").  The next day, two things happen to further alter the course of Donald's life: he makes a sandwich from pieces of May and brings it to work; his friends/co-workers try it and are so enamored of the flavor that they demand Donald cook for them everyday AND he discovers that his long-dormant sexuality has awakened after cooking and eating May.  So, this dumpy middle-aged schlub starts (improbably) picking up nubile young women, screwing them, killing them and cooking them.  Donald's victims include a prostitute named DDD ("My mom wanted to name me Deliah, but she stuttered.") and a woman in a chicken suit (don't ask).  In an out-of-nowhere scene that will have you doubting your own sanity, Donald fantasizes about making a human-sized sandwich with a still-living woman that he covers in Miracle Whip with a comically oversized butter knife!  When Donald's nosey sister-in-law arrives looking for May, he can't bring himself to kill her, so he gags her with a a sandwich (!) and keeps her tied up in his closet.  In a finale that's remarkably anticlimactic yet strangely fitting, Donald drops dead while preparing his latest victim's body for his buddies.  As his friends arrive and disgustedly discover human remains in the microwave, we're shown a close-up of the label on its side: "Warning! May interfere with pacemakers!"

It's rare for a movie to leave me speechless, but I'll be damned if I know what to say about Microwave Massacre.  It sort of reminds me of a Herschell Gordon Lewis movie remade by Porky's-era Bob Clark from a script by a 13 year-old boy.  It's not good by any traditional means, but if you can get into it's peculiar combination of dumb/broad humor, gratuitous nudity and (intentionally?) awful gore effects, you might have fun watching it.  I did; it's...unique.  Come to think of it, Troma fans will probably eat this up!  Vernon, who was a frequent guest on The Tonight Show and the voice of Frosty the fucking Snowman in the classic Rankin-Bass animated Christmas specials, gives pathetic loser Donald such a sweet personality that you can't help but feel a little sympathy for him, even once he turns into a murderous cannibal.  The rest of the cast (none of whom went on to do anything of note) is amateurish but enthusiastic.  Co-writer/producer Craig Muckler (a Minnesota native who also helped produce Basement of Sleaze favorite Malibu High) is, to this day, a frequent guest at horror conventions and is STILL trying to get a sequel made-you have to admire his dedication!