Entry Four: The Baby (1973)

The Baby (1973)

Dir: Ted Post

"Nothing in this nursery rhymes."

I've consciously had the "kid gloves" on for my first few entries of this blog.  I'm aware that most of the (very few) people reading this are friends and family who may not have built up the...tolerance that I have to the dingier corners of the cinematic wasteland.  I had actually intended this to be the first entry of the blog, but decided to hold back.  Well, fuck it; the gloves are off.

Ann (Anjanette Comer) is a young social worker recovering from the recent death of her husband in an automobile accident.  She decides to seek distraction and bring new meaning to her life by throwing herself into her latest case, a baby suffering under abusive guardians.  If you think this sounds like some Lifetime movie-of-the-week bullshit, I'll reveal to you that "baby" is a fully-grown, twentysomething man kept in a state of arrested development by his abusive mother and sisters as some sort of revenge against his deadbeat father.  "Baby" sleeps in an oversized crib, drink from a bottle, cries and mewls like an infant and wears a man-sized nappy.  Past social workers who have tried to interfere have a bad habit of mysteriously disappearing.  In one of two jaw-dropping scenes that will have you doubting your own sanity, a nubile babysitter tries to ward off baby's cries by allowing him to SUCCKLE ON HER EXPOSED TIT, her face contorting into expressions of ecstasy and revulsion.  At this point, my brain contorted into itself and I couldn't decide whether to vigorously masturbate or shit myself.  I should also point out that my wife had been asleep on the couch when I started to watch the movie and woke up in the middle of this scene...SUBLIME!  When the sitter is discovered by the returning mother and sisters, she's rewarded by having the shit beaten out of her before dismissal.  Ann's attempts at rehabilitating baby and removing him from this toxic environment are met with legal action, veiled threats and, ultimately, physical violence, which leads to a showdown in which she is forced to dispose of these sickos with some graphic throat-slashings.  This leads to the mind-blowing final scene, in which Ann rescues baby and brings him home, not for his own betterment, but as a playmate for her husband; not dead, but reduced to adult-baby state himself due to head injuries suffered in his car accident and living in his own grown-up playpen.

HOLY.  FUCK.  This is the "strange seventies" at it's absolute best and comes with my HIGHEST possible recommendation.  Unbelievably, director Post had already directed Clint Eastwood's Hang 'Em High and the big-budget sequel Beneath the Planet of the Apes and directed Eastwood again in Magnum Force the year this came out!